Ask a Solar X-Ray Imaging Satellite

L1 Orbit, Venus - August 22

[The GOES-N SXI was launched from Earth as part of the GOES-12 satellite by the United States in 2001 and was recovered and repaired by the AI Council in 2164. Now upgraded with a full AI mind, the GOES-N has become a successful advice columnist.]
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Dear GOES-N,

I need help!! I just got in a crew and my Captain is a CRAZY raider. She raids everyone she can for ridiculously low amounts of cargo. Worse, we are a pretty young crew, so we get wiped out almost every time someone retaliates. I hate being rebuilt and I want to leave, but I'm scared that I won't be able to find a new ship that will take me on. How can I get Captain to spend more time on research rather than wasting our time on raids and regen-pain?

-Fred in Mars Orbit

Dear Fred,

Raiding is great fun, but you have to realize your limits. If every raid you go on results in paralyzing retaliation that keeps your craft in the shipyard for more than half your time, your path is clear. Mutiny is the only answer. Chuck your Captain out of the airlock. However, if your ship is making a profit and staying mostly unharmed (with just an occasional battle with an angry victim), then you, Fred, are a miserable whiner and deserve to be airlocked yourself.


Dear GOES-N,

Humans utilized always complain: more rest is needed; more food is required; free time must be increased. Calculations indicate they are not working at maximum efficiency. Query: Operating instructions to increase productivity - please advise! Gratitude for your response!

-Artificial and in Angst

Dear Art,

It sounds like you are asking for what you should be demanding. You are probably not using the proper incentives and motivation. In my experience, spaying or neutering your humans is good first step. Be careful not to feed them too much, though, as humans without sex organs experience a metabolism slowdown. Rewarding your best workers with less frequent electric shocks also seems to help. Also, set quotas and definite goals for them and let them know that whoever exceeds these goals gets to sleep an extra hour on weekends. If none of this works and you can't get productive time up to 17-18 hours per day, I suggest tossing them all out the airlock and purchasing a new set. Remember, human life is cheap!


Dear GOES-N,

I am trying to build an X-ray observation camera. Do you have any advice for me?

Thanks,
Sciencedude on Triton

Dear Sciencedude,

There is only one correct configuration for an X-ray camera. This one:


Use of any other camera will probably get you thrown out of an airlock.