Sons of Earth claim credit for Jovian asteroid engineering

AFTER vowing to bring the truth to you, the reader, the Weekly Solar News is proud to announce that we have finally located a group that claims credit for the massive planetoid relocation project in Jovian orbit. You may recall that before it was prematurely exposed by our intrepid investigators, the mysterious project seemed to exist solely to spell an expletive.



The WSN now has an exclusive interview with an individual who claims to speak for the Sons of Earth, the ancient terrorist organization widely believed to have been the cause of the Starcrash Catastrophe. Here is an excerpt from our frightening interview.

Weekly Solar News: The Weekly Solar News has interceepted information that you claim to be the leader of the organization known as the Sons of Earth. Is this true?

Sons of Earth "Leader": First off, I´d like to start by offering greetings from the deep belt. It's been a while since we've been in touch with humanity and yes, we are true sons of earth.

WSN: Are you the same Sons of Earth that are widely believed to have been the cause of the Starcrash Catastrophe?

SoE: No. As far as I know, all of them are dead and have been for a long time.


The "leader" of the Sons of Earth

WSN: You must know that whatever you say, many or most in the Solar System will think you terrorists. How do you respond?

SoE: We respond by openly stating that we are no more "terrorist" than any of the other so-called pirate fleets currently grinding each other to a bloody pulp. In fact, I would say we are even less so, as it is our sole aim to provide for our people and those who wish to join us. We are not raiding or attacking you for our personal gain, but to feed hungry mouths back home and to build a better future. One day, I hope, you will see this.

WSN: We have heard rumors that you have claimed responsibility for the recent asteroid relocation project in Jovian Orbit. Did you organization do this?

SoE: Yes, we had too many drives to spare.

WSN: Why would you do this? What were you spelling?

SoE: An old terran expression which sums up our feelings for the AI council in two crude, simple and effective words.

Chilling words. The astute reader will notice that the Sons of Earth dodge the question about the cause of the Starcrash, which to any thinking person indicates their organizational involvement. They freely admit creating a terrible navigational hazard for purely trivial reasons. They equate many citizens of the Solar System with terrorists, even though most are simply doing what must be done to ensure survival. The Sons of Earth condemn despite the fact the they caused the current conditions by making the Earth uninhabitable! Worse still, they greet humanity from without, as if separate or better. Can we doubt their malevolence? Can we even treat them as human? What else could they be? Post-human cyborgs? Robots? Rogue AI's? Neptunian mermen?

Boom Shake the Room

Saturn Forward Trojan Point Debris Field - October 30

REPORTS of new technological findings are streaming from all over the Sol System. Just days ago, a mysterious AI broadcast a widely heard series of messages across the planets. The speaker appeared to be a cyborg implanted with a Cybernetic Artificial Thinking System. Whether this intelligence is part of the AI Council regime or a rogue is open to speculation. Over several minutes, it broadcast several messages, starting with, "BOOM SHAKE THE ROOM." Consternation spread as spacers everywhere pondered the meaning of this powerfully sent message.



Further messages from the CATS cyborg elaborated. "SOMEBODY SET YOU UP THE BOMB" "YOU HAVE NO CHANCE, MAKE YOUR TIME" and "FEAR ME, I AM A CLICHE" Debris scavengers located throughout the system suddenly reported finding deactivated small bombs. Quickly adapting, the clone engineers aboard many vessels were able to adapt these bombs somewhat for use in combat. But questions abound: Is this some sort of inept plot? A publicity stunt for peanut butter? A message? No one knows.

The intrigue deepened further today as modified bombs were found. Early reports claimed that these bombs were pumpkin-shaped and more deadly and reliable than the first wave of bombs. A well-known con man claimed to have obtained the only pumpkin bombs in existence, but was discredited when it was found that he was, in fact, selling LED-lighted plastic pumpkins filled with non-explosive latex. Later the real bombs were discovered to be somewhat different in form. As a public service, here is how to tell the difference.



Please do not purchase these fake pumpkin bombs. They have a 100% chance of failure. Further reports that weird data crystals have also been found in the Deep Belt have not yet been substantiated. They are rumored to be stolen records from the pre-StarCrash Faction Wars. If you have any information about these Faction Wars artifacts or know of a way to decode ancient espionage devices, please contact the Weekly Solar News.

Crisis of Infinite Mopars

Lower Belt - October 23

RECENTLY the AI Council tried to pass off the sudden appearance of thousands of educated, talented officers as the result of an accident. A drone ship called the Argonaut was involved in a crash in the Outer System, destroying the vessel and scattering its cargo. The result was claimed to be the diaspora of clones said to have been held in its hold. The officers that many Captains across the Solar System have hired are said to be these very clones. The Council declined to explain why anyone would manufacture these clones or what they planned to use them for.



Cloned Chief Entertainment Officers
However, there is reason to believe there is even more to this story than previously thought. Due to what are now being called "regenabot diagnostic errors," many people have woken up from regen cocoons to find themselves changed! When they looked in the mirror, they found their faces to be different from before. Their ability to speak coherently was changed. And some fundamental portions of their identities were altered! When asked what their name was, many could only say, "mopar man."


The hideous form of the mopar men

The Weekly Solar News was lucky enough to score an interview with a self-described "rnopar man" at the height of what is now being called the Mopar Crisis. rnopar man told us, "when I mopared up I mopared at myself in the mirror and I looked like this! i tried to mopar for help but all i could mopar was '1967 Chevrolet!'"

Another victim of this event recalls after the fact, "I woke up and felt weird. When I went to shave, I was shocked. I even remember shouting, 'son of a mopar' I tried to call for my ship's doctor to see if I was hallucinating, but all I could get out was, 'call the mopar i have been mopared and my mopar is mopar! please get me the '37 oldsmobile' No one knew what the heck I was saying."

Witnesses say that that one point there were many distress calls heard throughout the System from captains calling themselves variously mopar man, rnopar man, mopar rnan, mopar woman, and Ovid9. Some even turned on the rest, calling for the death of the "fake" mopar men.


A mopar man seen in Uranus Starport

Luckily, the regenabots solved the Mopar Crisis themselves. As frustration mounted, almost every single one of the mopar men was blasted by annoyed pirates who were tired of the Mopar Crisis. The AI Council claims that it corrected the "diagnosis errors" in its regena-network. When the regenabots repaired the affected humans, the captains and crew who had been afflicted woke up from the regen cocoons as themselves. But the memories of their time as mopar men still haunt them.


A mopar man and mopar woman recorded on Ceres

But questions still remain. How could this happen? Is this related to the cloned officers? Could your officer have been someone else before his current identity? Why would the Council make more mopar men? Why would the regenabots even need the ability to reprogram identities in the first place? What else have they changed? and why cant i shake the feeling that it could mopar again

oh mopar what the mopar am i saying

i wish i was moparing around in a 68 mustang that would be the mopar

Project Portends Planetoid Problems

Jupiter Orbit - October 18

FOR many years since the invention of farcasters and space tractors, re-engineering of the skies had been the norm. The organizations which have been powerful enough to employ the expensive and extensive machinery needed to move asteroids were responsible stewards of this technology. The only known lapse of judgment in planetoid moving was the worst catastrophe in history, the Starcrash. Humans reacting to the destruction of the surface of the Earth and the AI Council joined together to stop the movement of large asteroids altogether. With the security clampdown that followed the crisis, the art of mining asteroids in situ rather than relocating them was reborn.

Recently, however, mysterious ships have been seen in Jupiter's Orbit at work moving mid-sized asteroids out of the Belt.


Asteroidal tractor sighted in Jovian orbit

About 150 degrees behind Jupiter on the ecliptic, a Weekly Solar News investigative scout ship detected some quite unusual activity. It seems that the departure of the protector ships have made some humans brave enough to attempt moving the System's big rocks again. The WSN team approached what looked in telescopic views to be nothing less than an asteroid corralling operation. Someone is engineering the skies again. During the approach to the giant project, the WSN vessel was interdicted. The ships that stopped the reporters demanded that the crew turn back. After a brief exchange in which the journalists attempted to elicit comments on the reason for this remote operation, the WSN ship was disabled and partially destroyed. Fortunately, no WSN ship goes on remote scouting missions without regenabot summoners; the crew was able to get repaired and find its way home to the WSN mobile headquarters without fear of drifting disabled right out of the Solar System.

A mysterious organization engineering asteroid orbits is a cause for great concern. Besides the obvious use of asteroids as weapons, moving them about the System at will can create intense navigational hazards. Many ships depend on proprietary charts calculating the "safe routes" from planet to planet based on the known positions of most of the minor planets. It is often hard to obtain complete data about the entire Solar System. Seeking to know more about the possible implications of this discovery, the WSN intercepted the AI Council's monthly internal report on asteroid positions. The Council uses its superior knowledge of the system to cement its rule, but these reports are retrievable by hackers as they reach the end of their useful lifespan.

What was found is stunning. Although this enterprise puts everything in Jovian orbit in potential danger, it may not have a reasonable or responsible cause. Its purpose seems obvious when the field is seen from above the plane of the ecliptic. The massive project (pictured below, circled in red) seems to be of a frivolous nature!


The inner Solar System with asteroids over 10 m wide in black

Is this an act of rebellion? A protest? Could it be that one of the greatest efforts in asteroidal engineering is meant to do no more than spell a rude word?

New Technology Roundup #2

Agarttha Research Base - October 13

TECHNOLOGY marches on in the Solar System even without the great labs of old Earth. After the Starcrash Catastrophe, research into new, more powerful weapons and shields, better drives and improvements of more exotic systems has actually increased as an expression of per capita expenditure. Humans' dependence on their science changed from a question of luxuries (such as creamier Venusian chocolates) to a matter of life and death (how to fabricate essential Flintstone-shaped vitamins). As incredible new products are discovered and created, the Weekly Solar News is there with its newest edition of the Technology Roundup. Here are a couple of the most cutting edge weapons we have encountered:

The Holy Hand Grenade Array
The Holy Hand Grenade Array is a new type of auto-cannon custom built for Deep Belt forays. It is designed to deliver a more effective type of explosive ammunition, dubbed the "wrath of God," to take out the really tough platforms, pods and ships occasionally seen in the deep fields. It is a temperamental weapon despite its tremendous power and should be used with caution and only after fully understanding the instructions on its use.


"First shalt thou arm the Holy Array, then shalt thou count to three, no more, no less. Three shall be the number thou shalt count, and the number of the counting shall be three. Four shalt thou not count, neither count thou two, excepting that thou then proceed to three. Five is right out. Once the number three, being the third number, be reached, then aimest thou thy Holy Hand Grenade Array towards thy foe, who being naughty in my sight, shall snuff it."


The Naked Phaser Emitter

Ordinary phaser emitters operate by creating waves of high probability of quark or lepton appearance and disappearance. They take advantage of quantum tunneling to strip normal atoms of their electrons and force them to reappear in unstable configurations. This produces a small release of energy and destabilizes any matter it passes through. The problem is that the particle streams cannot be relied upon to materialize within the vital regions of the enemy vessel.


Dr. L. Nielsen, inventor of the Naked Phase Effect
Now, several researchers think that they may be on the verge of creating a new type of emitter that could change the way we think about the technology. "Probability wave manipulation is very difficult and unpredictable," says Dr. L. Nielsen, head of the NPE project at Agarttha Base. "There is always risk. You take a risk getting up in the morning, crossing the street... or sticking your face in a fan." His work is intended to decrease this risk, however, by isolating the phase effect and causing it to focus on a predetermined point. This would create constructive interference in the target and lead to a concentration of the naked phaser effect. Because of this concentration, the NPE project calls their new weapon the "Naked Phaser Emitter." We tried to elicit more details, but Dr. Nielsen was too busy with testing, saying, "I'm sorry, I can't hear you! Don't fire the gun while you're talking!"

Where Have All the Protectors Gone?

Seeger Base, Asteroid Allodd - October 6

PROTECTORS have been lost from the solar system and still the question resounds through the planets: where did they go? There is no reduction in pirate activity in the outer system or the belt. There seem to be more pods of the decidedly non-delicious kind than ever. Sons of Earth terrorist activity has not diminished. The answer is not, as some have suggested, related to the ever more erratic sunspot cycles.


The Sun. For once, NOT to blame!
Certainly, there is not a threat of attack from without the Solar System. But if so, what threat could the AI protectors be facing?

The answer is ominous: One of humanity's own devising.

During the MMORPG explosion of the early 21st century, when so many important innovations were made in the fields of Artificial Intelligence and advanced computing, the Western Nations were facing an economic crisis. As the new currencies of WoW gold, meat, and Wii points began to supplant the dollar and the euro, earning digital currency became as high a priority as earning "real" money. This development pointed to a gaping hole in the economic models of the capitalist West. They were at risk of losing to the Pacific Rim nations. There was a goldfarming gap.


General Buck Turgidson, First Commander of Project QWERTY
In secret, the United States and its closest allies began researching a way that the west could keep up. Terrible mistakes were made along the way. Gamer Fuel was invented and fortunately forgotten. Horrible permutations of Mountain Dew were attempted. Finally, the allied governments, realizing that Western gamers were too undisciplined to keep up, commissioned Project QWERTY. QWERTY was designed to create a super-primate with none of the laziness of humans and the lightning-quick reflexes of an animal.


Found in the Old Earth Archives in Mars Starport: An early Project QWERTY ape!
Project QWERTY succeeded. It succeeded beyond its creators' wildest dreams. Their boosted apes and chimpanzees became some of the most powerful farmers of the 21st century and crushed the virtual economies of the Far East. If that were the end of the story, it would be easy to rest well at night. Unfortunately, the burgeoning space program of the 2040's meant that tiny, intelligent primates would serve humans in a new way.


Project QWERTY pilots

With the continuation of "faster, better, cheaper" at both NASA and the European Space Agency, the Project QWERTY primates were seen as trainable pilots for small space vessels that could be launched into orbit far more cheaply than humans. Over 200 were eventually launched and used as astronauts in the mid 21st Century. But over a period of 5 years, they all disappeared.


A Threat to the Solar System?

The Weekly Solar News believes that the AI Protectors have mobilized to counter the return of the descendants of Project QWERTY. With their improved reflexes, superior discipline and hilarious antics, they could be a bigger threat to the system than even durians or the SoE. The WSN advises caution! Beware: no matter how cute and harmless a monkey appears in a spacesuit, it can still activate energy weapons far faster than any human.

Bailout of Fusion4U

By Qilapid - October 4

AMID panicked calls for the bailout of Fusion4U.com by the AI Council, the origin of our current situation has been mostly forgotten. 22 years ago, the Council suppressed all competition in the fields of advanced fusion research and ionic propulsion methods. It essentially outlawed the existence of several competitors, with the giant Martian company Maximum Overdrive Rocket Engines, LLC. and Russo-Indian cooperative Pакета among them. The Council created this monster monopoly in the name of "more efficient management of technological development resources." Supposedly, competing research organizations would waste time by having multiple teams duplicating the same scientific investigations. As a result, the Council has created a behemoth that is "too big to fail" and threatens the economic stability of the entire solar system. And failing it is, for it cannot compete with the new generation of micro-fusion reactors being built into ships automatically by regenabots.


Savior? Or Super-villain?

The Weekly Solar News editorial page strongly rejects any call to inject more money into this colossal failure. The Council already allows us to fall prey to the ridiculous depredation of the prices that Fusion4U charges for their inferior products. We have no desire to see port docking fees increase to maintain the solvency of this corporation. The AI Council created this mess, and it worsened it by providing better fusion drives on ships for free. That was supposed to save money for every ship in the solar system and these savings were supposed to help prop up the economy and lead to more capital investment into Fusion's large reactor core business.

We believe that no single company, even an artificial mega-monopoly, is essential to the well-being of the economy. The impact of increased port taxes will far outweigh the short-term benefit of stabilizing stock prices. The AI Council's stewardship put us in this situation with its lack of foresight. Now we are supposed to believe the same people who got us here know exactly how to get us out? And is it any surpise that their only solution is to make us pay for their mistakes? Write your AI Counselor today and demand that this proposal be rejected!