Security Concerns Due to New Year's Celebration

AI Council Dispatch Station 133A - September 30

CONCERNS over the abnormally low number of sightings of the AI-controlled craft known "protector ships" have reached a new high around the Solar System. The decrease in these patrol vessels has many worried about the security implications for the stations and the system at large. These powerful ships perform many of the essential administrative and pseudo-governmental functions that maintain the fragile balance of power in our civilization. Defense patrols, port fee collection and secure cargo offloading are only a few of the valuable services derived from the protectors. Of course, given the inclinations of many denziens of Sol's orbits, this decrease in security is sometimes greeted with other reactions besides worry. "Haaarrrrrr, har, har, har, haaar!" says one self-described pirate. "Sound like time t'celebrate, me hearties!"

Reasons postulated for the decrement in posted ships vary.

There are bizarre conspiracy theories about the AI council: "They want to kill us all!" says Captain James Crew of the incorporated ship Catalogue. "They've made us dependent on their protection and then withdrawn it! What will we do without them?" Meanwhile, George McIlhenny, pilot of the Good Ship Blowpop claims, "The AI Council is finally helping to fight the menace of the pods! They're finally helping us!"

Others believe that regenabots are losing their ability to continously repair themselves and all the various machinery that abound in the Solar System. "Regenabots won't be able to do what they do forever," says Mitchell "Popeye" Irvin of Mars Starport. "Pretty soon, they're gonna run out of energon."


A Protector Ship

The truth is far more startling. Apparently, many of the system's artificial intelligences have found religion! "Look at the calendar - today is Rosh Hashanah," says Rabbi Mike Cohen. "It seems as if the AIs are being converted to Judiasm. That's where they are all going - to schule!" So, the next time you encounter an AI, be safe, tell it, "Shana tova!"

AI Designers - An Editorial

This editorial was the last transmission of the WSN ship Surprise, last sighted in orbit around Eris.

We stand doomed by forces far beyond our control. Our current environment is the product of, in order: the devastation of our homeworld, the collapse of all recognizable pre-Starcrash governments, the end of civility and the rise of bad attitudes, the rise of machine rule by AI overlords, and the lack of even a decent glass of gin.


Our "society" has a Bad Attitude!

These events have turned a once-great civilization into the twisted pirates that roam our System, searching for the scraps of technology that regenabots feel like making from scrap on any given day. The "benign" rule of the AI Council has even removed the hope of escape from our foul existence; not even suicide affords a way out for the wretched immortals that we have become. Like Coleridge's ancient mariner, we are trapped on ships of the damned with no one to blame but our collective selves.

But none of this is new. I write today of a novel menace, one that threatens to make our blasted existence even more abominable. I speak of the Artificial entity or entities that design our ships. No matter how extensively we reconfigure our ships to eke out a measure of individual comfort and utility, when we are inevitably rebuilt after Regenabots take notice of damage. Our bodies are reformed more or less as before, but our ships are completely rebuilt to adhere to the same default plans. Sloops, frigates, cruisers. We name these ships as if we have some say in their form. But all know that we do not. If I were to strap 300 laser beams onto my modest vessel, no doubt I would be capable of an enormous amount of damage. But once our nano-mechanical masters took notice, I would find myself rebuilt in a configuration that leaves me with the same number of "slots" that I had when I "bought" this rust-bucket by exchanging cargo mass for greater ship mass.

Such is the folly of men that I have resigned myself to this paltry existence. I am content to drink coolant and pretend that it is the fine liqueur of my youth. I look at the stars and try to remember their allure and why I even became a cosmonaut in the first place. I even strive to "research" and pillage to get ahead in the trivial game we pitiful eternals play to distract ourselves from contemplating this mockery of life that we live.

But I have finally had enough. Not content to already dominate and influence and control every aspect of our reality, the AIs that govern ship design have crossed the line. They have gone beyond simply limiting my options. They have begun reconfiguring the very way in which I interact with my ship. My consoles change from day to day. I wake up from dreams of a better world and find myself in an unfamiliar bridge with new a layout and interface. And now a vile AI personality has my ship giving me advice! Late at night, ship's time, when I used to gleefully count my credits in the bank, a voice booms over the intercom: "You have 100% fuel and should go on a Salvage Foray!" "Attack a nearby pirate! Your hull is 100% intact!" "You have 100% Research and energy. You should Research and improve your stats!" "The cake is not a lie!"


My controls!

To this I say no more! Our overlords have tortured us enough without needless and useless redesigns of our very habitats. Take action - we are not powerless! Take up what arms you have! Say it with me: "I'm not going to take it any more!" Smash your controls! Destroy the "improvements!" Scream with me, my brothers and sisters! Show our "masters" what you think of their "creative" changes! Break! DESTROY! SMAS-

- - - TRANSMISSION TERMINATED

How to Survive a Hull Breach

The Weekly Solar News offers the first in a proposed series of public service announcements in this issue. Today's PSA is for new crew members of any standard model sloop, cruiser or frigate; it offers safety advice on what to do when experiencing catastrophic hull breach.



How to Survive a Hull Breach


1. Don't Panic! Your ship may be equipped with state-of-the-art emergency escape pods, probably sufficient to evacuate every single crewmember with capacity to spare.


2. Stay Put! Bulkhead doors are designed to seal to maintain the oxygenated environment in all areas of the ship. You will not be able to move between sections once these doors have closed. Please do not press the "open door" button!


3. Help is Already On the Way! The Communications Chief will activate a regenabot summoner to summon local repair droids.


4. Get Out! If and when the evacuation alarm sounds, queue up at the escape pods. Senior crew will assist you to a seat in one of the available pods. The Life Support System will be active, with oxygen, water, and food sufficient for one week.

Fresh rations!

5. Activate Ejection! An authorized crewmember will activate the Pod Ejection Mechanism. This is the large red button located to the side of the Escape Pod bank. The pod computer will verify the identity of the person activating the system for your safety. Remember: you must be authorized to press the red button.


6. Relax! After 15 seconds, the Escape Pod door will close and lock. The Escape Pod is entirely automatic. There is nothing that a passenger can do to affect the systems.


7. Wait. Once ejection is safely completed, remember you will probably be rescued within two weeks! For more information, consult the Space Rescue handbook and interactive instructional cartridge!



This concludes the Weekly Solar News PSA on How to Survive a Hull Breach. Thanks for reading and good luck!

Notorious Cybercriminal Caught, Executed

Neptune Starport - September 13

Notorious pirate captain DepJ has been caught and executed by remote cyberagents of the AI Council. Agents apprehended him in the notorious anarchic Neptune Station Tuesday as he violated some of the few remaining laws our civilization still holds dear. "It is pretty hard to get an AI living-death squad after you," says Derek Nartoole, an uploaded human aide to the Council. "Those guys are really nasty. They capture you, remove your 'consciousness mechanisms' and leave your body continuing to operate as before. That's where the 'flying dutchman' ships come from that are reported sporadically."


An "Exterminated Consciousness" vessel sighted off Europa

Old spacehands warn to stay away from these ships when they are sighted, for though the minds of the crew are gone, they are still quite dangerous and operate as if they were still crewed by normal humans. The AI Council apparently leaves them in this state to caution all those who would violate its dictates. Some say that the consciousness of the crew is not actually removed, but loses all volition and must live forever with no control over their actions. Nartoole denies this rumor saying, "the Council is not so cruel."

DepJ and his crew were tried and sentenced in absentia for the crimes of attempting to overwrite ship AIs, trying to hack the AI Council mainframe, shouting "Whoomp, there it is!" as a battle cry, and egregious pants-stealing.

Whence the Argo?

Asteroid Base "New Toronto" - September 13

Speculation thunders across the Solar System about the catastrophic demise of the drone clone ship Argonaut and the intended destination and purpose of its duplicated crew. Given the penchant of both the AI Council and the SoE for meaningful metaphorical nomenclature, scholars and pirates alike are sure there must be a hidden meaning to the doomed ship's name. Experts on the various ancient Earth groups called Argonauts have suddenly found themselves in high demand.


Clones!

Some suspect that the name refers to the ancient mythological Greek heroes who sought the Golden Fleece of Chrysomallos. Apollonius of Rhodes told the story of a group who organized under Jason and whose heroes include Heracles and his companion Hylas, Castor and Pollux, Orpheus, Meleager, Peleus (father of Achilles), Laertes (supposed father of Odysseus), Telamon (father of Ajax), and the ship's builder, Argos. They fought many enemies such as rocks and nymphs (who kidnapped Hylas) and hot one-breasted chicks.


The ancient Greek monster named Cyclops

What any of this has to do with the clones being found in stasis pods in the modern Solar System is anyone's guess. But, given the talents of the Officers people have hired, it does seem unlikely that they are some sort of hero destined to help ships of humanity defeat the modern equivalent of rocks and women. But, there was another group known as the Argonauts.


The Toronto Argonauts!

Perhaps the clones recovered in deep space are in fact highly-trained and talented Canadian football players! Eh?

Martian Crackdown!

Mars Starport - September 12

DESPOTISM is an ugly word. It is often applied to the Autarchy of Mars to describe the regime's intolerance to dissent and raiding. Those lucky few Martians who live here in prosperity say that order is preferable to the chaos that pervades the System. This stands disputed by many others who ask at what price comes this order. The Weekly Solar News has often lauded the Martian overlords for keeping the peace and continuing to allow many freedoms, especially freedom of the press.* We are not impervious, however, to the evidence that Mars appears to be undergoing a serious crackdown on what it calls "errant and disruptive behavior."


This sign was first seen last week by a WSN contributor in the Marsport docks


Quickly following behind the first were these sightings


Arrest of a Durian ban violator

As you can see, Mars Starport has banned Durian use and consumption. Is it despotism? You be the judge!


*Disclaimer: WSN is the official News Source of the Autarch; he has paid for a lifetime subscription to the newscast.

Why Your Ship's New Officer Might be Trying to KILL You

AI Council Base - September 11

A SENIOR human aide employed by the AI Council has given an exclusive interview to the Weekly Solar News - the Solar System's Only Reliable News!



The senior council aide, disguised and pictured above through a multi-level encrypted channel, has stated that "these Officers are actually a shipment of clones that was being sent to the Outer System. The AI Council drone ship collided with space junk and thousands of clones were ejected in stasis pods. These clone officers are programmed to believe that they are normal humans and are not aware they are clones. They are very talented and well-trained for what they perceive as their jobs. "


Clones from the only remaining intact hold of the clone drone ship

Officers are being found floating in space, this is nothing special. The real story is that they are human clones. According to their charter, Clones Etc. Inc is supposed to work with its spin-off, VicFrank's NuPets, to create only animal clones for the Terrestrial Arcologies on Mars. Evidently they (or some agency using their technology) have stepped far over the line. The real question is this: why program clones to think they are human? Do they have some hidden agenda? Could your executive officer be trying to kill you?



Evidence below was provided by the Council aide and clearly show the facility raising humans.



Because of the clone-drone-ship origin of these stasis pods, this initial influx of Clone Officers will taper off. Many of the stasis pods have already been located and the chances of finding Officers will likely markedly decrease. They will become increasingly rare, if not less potentially deadly. Hire them at your own risk!

The AI Council: Here to help us?

Meridian West Research Base - September 3

RESEARCHERS and archivists have already uncovered the startling news that the AI Council is attempting to revise history by editing archives and textbooks. The Weekly Solar News was proud to expose this scheme, but has delved deeper to uncover how far these plans go. Our recent hiatus from broadcast was taken so that our most experienced reporters could go underground and explore this plot in more detail.

What we uncovered was nothing short of shocking.

We found renegade humans working with AIs to "reprogram" human memories.


This photo was taken inside an AI Council base

Our investigator was almost caught capturing proof and barely escaped with his life. Currently, little is known about what the AIs are planning. Artificial brains implanted in human bodies are nothing new to the Solar System, so something else may well be afoot. It is known that very few AIs will "sully" themselves by becoming the brain in a cyborg body. These facts suggest something truly awful, even in these degenerate times. Not willing to exterminate humans and needing them to perform certain duties and functions, the artificial intelligences that control much of the System are beginning a program to make more compliant humans. They are doing this using a brainwashing method unimaginable to our ancestors. The AIs are trying to rewrite our very memories. And why would they do this? Our intrepid newshound was able to pilfer a single document before his perilous escape. This is our only clue to what the AIs have in store:



If you have any idea what this diabolical document may mean, please contact the Weekly Solar News!