Suspicions Spread about Space Sausage

Mr. Miyamo's Super Sausage Factory - August 30

RUMORS abound about "Mr. Miyamo's Space Sausage" products and the unusual ingredients that may be going into them. In the last several days, consumers of the popular synthetic sausage product (pictured below) have reported unusual reactions to cooking in both the links and the patties.



It seems that many of the products from the Mr. Miyamo's factory have, once heated, split open and expelled some type of gas. Although no permanent ill effects have been reported by those exposed to the meaty exhalations, strange temporary effects have been observed. "I was chowin' down on some tequila-flavored space sausage," says Arnold Bereftswaller, a janitor on the FFS Nightwing, "and the next thing I knows is that I'm waking up in the hold naked as a needle!" He and others have photographed the sausages in their odd state once they have emitted their strange exhalations.



Mr. Miyamo's Space Sausage, LLC. has not responded to inquiries and could not be reached for comment. WSN testing failed to confirm any odd emanations from Space Sausage products, but we feel compelled to warn that in some circumstances, it appears that tequila sausages may make your clothes fall off.

Ancient Photograph Surprise

Jupiter Station Archives - August 27

ARCHIVISTS studying pictures of old Las Vegas were startled to find the following evidence:



This picture appears to show that there was once a such creature as a jackalope and that one actually ran a casino/hotel on the Las Vegas "strip!" Archeo-taxonimists are re-writing the book on extinct Earth species based on this new evidence; it seems that jackalopes are not just myths, like blue whales and dragons, but rather were once real, like giraffes, tigers and mermen.

Prominent Pyramid Player Prosecuted in Pharmaceutical Probe

Fédération Interplanétaire de Pyramid Association - August 27

RICO Melangelo, the star of the Mars Station pyramid team, is being investigated by the Fédération Interplanétaire de Pyramid Association (FIPA) for doping. He is accused of using "Comet," which is a dangerous mixture of points and coolant. Melangelo denies any involvement with Comet. He has issued a statement saying only that he occasionally has used point "precursors," which are not banned for use in professional competition. Melangelo claims that it is the presence of these precursors which caused a false positive result and not Comet use.


Melangelo, pictured left, in last year's FIPA Championship

Comet has been implicated in many subtle types of brain damage that regenabots seem not to be able to repair, and therefore is one of the most dangerous stimulants known. Despite the risks, however, many athletes use Comet because it can often make a noticible difference in performance, especially in positively affecting spinning deflection passes in Pyramid. Melangelo's team, the Martian Marvins, says that they have no information regarding Rico's alleged Comet usage. They assert that they test regularly and have a zero tolerance policy towards Comet abuse. The Marvins won last year's FIPA championship game against the Pluto Station Hellraisers largely due to amazing neutral zone play by Melangelo.

The FIPA commisioner, Jean-Andre Comiskey, said today that, "This would be a terrible blemish on our sport if true. We are investigating more closely to make certain of the doping charges. Points and coolant just don't mix! If there's one thing I want the Solar System's Pyramid fans to learn, it is this: 'Just say no to Comet!'"

Bearded Woman Gives Birth to Regenabot Baby!

Ceres Station - August 26

Devoted readers of the Weekly Solar News will remember Mrs. Lucy Knox (pictured below) who was assaulted by an alarmingly rouge-colored rogue man-sized regenabot on Ceres Station.



As is obvious, she was impregnated, and her appearance was altered. There are those who attacked this poor woman with cries of "Hoax!" and "Liar!" and have said that no baby would be produced from this fantastic and improbable occurrance. One such is Maximillian "Doc" Holland, A.S.E., a self-proclaimed Jovian "science expert." Doc Holland says, "I flatly do not believe this story. To this "lady," I say: Liar! Hoax! The reading public of the Solar System has been had!"

Real life, however, has a surprise for Doc Holland. Astute readers will note that very little time has passed since this incident. Certainly, there has not been enough time for normal human gestation. Despite this, Ms. Knox has given birth! The WSN has exlusive pictures of this product of regenabot and human!


Giving birth is said to have been a very difficult experience and Ms. Knox is currently staying away from the public eye as she recovers. We pledge to bring more on this story as it develops.

Stock Market Crash Linked to Stealth Materials

Mars Central Stock Exchange - August 25

Stock prices continue to hit record lows as plating from Neptune Station continues to fall. The plating is somehow converted by regenabots into stealth plating for ships, stealthy drives, and stealthy rum for quieter (but no less drunken) star pirates. The recent bubble of investment in rare items system-wide burst when investors dumped much of their rare holdings on the commodities market to create liquidity to obtain the stealthy items. Simultaneously, liquid capital seekers also pulled out of stocks and the market saw incredible losses equal to as much as 25% of the pre-Neptune event levels.


Captain Davis Daverson forlornly investigates his ship's empty hold.

Many captains interview have reported major losses and empty holds as they try to ride the lows of the market back to profit, or at least the break-even point. Theories about as to why the Neptune Station plating is being converted into items in the first place. It could be the work of renegade regenabots trying to wreck the human economy, it could the SoE reprogramming a few regenabots to achieve disharmony with the AI council, it could be whomever is responsible for the mysterious non-peanut-butter pods seen in the Belt. The Weekly Solar News favors the most likely theory of all, however: Neptunian Mermaids.


The cause of stock market crashes!

Our sources indicate the blue planet's race of Mermaid Astronauts are sabotaging both Neptune Station and the solar system at large. What do these mysterious mer-people want? Money? Attention? Or just to be left alone? No one knows, but you can be sure that WSN reporters will be the ones to find out!

Ask a Solar X-Ray Imaging Satellite

L1 Orbit, Venus - August 22

[The GOES-N SXI was launched from Earth as part of the GOES-12 satellite by the United States in 2001 and was recovered and repaired by the AI Council in 2164. Now upgraded with a full AI mind, the GOES-N has become a successful advice columnist.]
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear GOES-N,

I need help!! I just got in a crew and my Captain is a CRAZY raider. She raids everyone she can for ridiculously low amounts of cargo. Worse, we are a pretty young crew, so we get wiped out almost every time someone retaliates. I hate being rebuilt and I want to leave, but I'm scared that I won't be able to find a new ship that will take me on. How can I get Captain to spend more time on research rather than wasting our time on raids and regen-pain?

-Fred in Mars Orbit

Dear Fred,

Raiding is great fun, but you have to realize your limits. If every raid you go on results in paralyzing retaliation that keeps your craft in the shipyard for more than half your time, your path is clear. Mutiny is the only answer. Chuck your Captain out of the airlock. However, if your ship is making a profit and staying mostly unharmed (with just an occasional battle with an angry victim), then you, Fred, are a miserable whiner and deserve to be airlocked yourself.


Dear GOES-N,

Humans utilized always complain: more rest is needed; more food is required; free time must be increased. Calculations indicate they are not working at maximum efficiency. Query: Operating instructions to increase productivity - please advise! Gratitude for your response!

-Artificial and in Angst

Dear Art,

It sounds like you are asking for what you should be demanding. You are probably not using the proper incentives and motivation. In my experience, spaying or neutering your humans is good first step. Be careful not to feed them too much, though, as humans without sex organs experience a metabolism slowdown. Rewarding your best workers with less frequent electric shocks also seems to help. Also, set quotas and definite goals for them and let them know that whoever exceeds these goals gets to sleep an extra hour on weekends. If none of this works and you can't get productive time up to 17-18 hours per day, I suggest tossing them all out the airlock and purchasing a new set. Remember, human life is cheap!


Dear GOES-N,

I am trying to build an X-ray observation camera. Do you have any advice for me?

Thanks,
Sciencedude on Triton

Dear Sciencedude,

There is only one correct configuration for an X-ray camera. This one:


Use of any other camera will probably get you thrown out of an airlock.

ELVIS SIGHTED AGAIN!

Jupiter Station Kwik-ee Mart - August 21

SEVERAL years have passed since the last confirmed sighting of Elvis. In 2189 he was sighted in the back room of a gaming establishment in Mars orbit. This week, Ryan Wannamaker, a store clerk on Jupiter Station, says that he sold Elvis Presley (pictured below) 12 packs of cigarettes, Mike's banana paste, NuPeanut peanut butter, and a loaf of bread. Mr. Wannamaker, thinking quickly, grabbed the recording crystal out of the surveillance machine and took it home. The WSN acquired the recording from Mr. Wannamaker and from it obtained this still of the man believed to be Elvis:



Further, Mr. Wannamaker was able to make some conversation with the King. He says that Mr. Presley mentioned that he was getting supplies for a trip. Apparently, he's going to be going on some sort of tour that will take him far away from civilization.

The Weekly Solar News has pieced together the story from other rumors and believes that Elvis will be going on sabbatical and will return for a concert on his 260th birthday next year. It is said he will make it his comeback and he will be performing on the SSC Immortal.

The only other thing that Elvis did was to ask Wannamaker if he had seen a particular man. He showed Wannamaker a picture that looked something like this (we have enhanced this image from the Wannamaker recording):

AI Council Revising Textbooks

Ganymede Child Factory and Rearing Center - August 20

HISTORIANS who survive in the Solar System's shattered culture have a hard enough time trying to understand the events that occur every day. With the Sons of Earth, the AI Council, Pods in the Belt and dozens of private fleets, even pretending to know everything about current events is something of a joke. However, the very history of humanity may soon be a question as well! Historiographers looking at trends in pre-Space versus post-Starcrash texts have noticed something startling in the record.

The AI Council has begun altering digital books in many parts of the Solar System.

Behrouz Kutchemeshgi has found histories that claim that AIs and Robots have been intertwined in human development for far longer than is commonly accepted. We know that computers date from the early 20th century and robots and AIs came from the 21st. Various texts being used to train infants being raised in creches in AI Council territory tell a different story entirely.

"It seems to me that the AIs are not content to rule - they want to extend their rule backward in time as well," says Kutchemeshgi. "The next step could well be the eradication of the original history from a time before AI, like the emperor Qin Shi Huang during the first Chinese Dynasty." A chilling thought, indeed. The AI Council may be attempting to control history itself as a means to control troublesome humans.

Some of Kutchemeshgi's discoveries include:

An edit of ancient camel racing in the Middle East to include Robot Jockeys



Footage of robots building many of Earth's great monuments



Ancient Asian robot magistrates



Even neolithic robots from the primitive ages of early Man



The Weekly Solar News remains skeptical of any digital text or photo and asks its readers to remain critical of what they see and read. Unless, of course, it comes from the Solar System's Only Reliable News Source!

Mysterious Sighting in Low Neptunian Orbit

Neptune Starport, The Pirate's Cove Tavern - August 19

NEPTUNE. The least populated and most sparsely explored of the Jovian planets. Only recently has major settlement of the region begun, and then only by bands of pirates, huddling far from the Sun's meager light at the outer reaches of the ecliptic. Little is really known of this region, but the WSN has heard rumors of weird sightings. We now have an eyewitness account of such a strange happening out here at the edge of space.

Nicky Tolumen is the pilot of the S.S. Kip Brannigan, a "survey" ship operating out of what passes for a Station in Neptunian orbit. "I seen it a few times when we skim the planet to hide in the upper atmosphere during reconnaissance," says Mr. Tolumen. "Our sensors never show anything outside. But, I only sees it when I've been in the Chair for a few hours. And only when I'm alone on deck." He lowers his voice to a raspy whisper. "Sometimes she waves to me. I'm pretty sure it's a she." He frowns, "The other guys all laugh at me and say it's the coolant. Sure, I like the red stuff as much as the next guy. I swear, though, I don't do no drinkin' at my station. And I seen her. Dead Sober. I seen her."

When asked what exactly he has seen, Mr. Tolumen pulls a worn piece of paper from his jumpsuit. "Here, this is her!" Below is a first look at what haunts Nicky Tolumen during his turn on third shift.



Yes, Mr. Tolumen is regularly visited in the upper layers of Neptune by some sort of Mermaid Astronaut.

What could she want? Is she the last mermaid survivor of the Starcrash Catastrophe? A product of bezerk regenabots? Genetically engineered by Pod Generator Platforms? Could she be nothing more than a coolant hallucination? No one knows. But out here at the edge of everything, you cannot help but wonder: What else could the depths of the Solar System hold?

Technological Development Roundup

Agarttha Research Base - August 18

THE march of technology moves on in the Sol System even without the great labs of old Earth. After the Starcrash Catastrophe, research into new, more powerful weapons and shields, better drives and improvements of more exotic systems has actually increased as an expression of per capita expenditure. Humans' dependence on their science changed from a question of luxuries (such as creamier Venusian chocolates) to a matter of life and death (how to fabricate essential Flintstone-shaped vitamins). These days, however, are not like those days of yore when journals circulated new discoveries and (most) science was shared even between enemy nations. Modern humans keep discoveries secret, for knowledge and technology truly are power, perhaps more so than ever.

In light of this, the Weekly Solar News hopes with its new technology roundup to enlighten and give a sense what the future of research is about to bring us. Without further introduction, here is the roundup!


The Personnel Truculency Reversal Ray


The PTR Ray is a type of weapon never seen before. It is a "psycho-active" ray that seeks to incapacitate a ship by making its crew lose the will to take agressive action. The beam is a variant of the "P-Energy" radiation that the WSN reported on last week. By deactivating the p-areas of the brain, it makes even the most bloodthirsty raider into a sweet-dispositioned pacifist. Said one test subject from Uranus Station, "It felt like flowers. And sunshine." This cannon promises to take raiding to a whole new level as your targets will just lay down their weapons! It will be available as soon as the effect can be targeted directionally and no longer inundates every ship within 1,000 miles with the PTR effect.


Class 0.5 Shield Technology



Quantum physicists on the secret (until now!) Project Half-Baked have been working on a new kind of shield tech that they call "Class 0.5" There are still some kinks to work out, but the hope of the researchers is to make a low power shield that simply rotates the virtual surface of the shielded ship 1/2 of a quantum spin so that it is completely impenetrable to beam weapons or photons of any kind! Rick Watterson of the Project says that, "Any day now, we'll figure out how to get one of these things working without vaporizing everything inside." If any ship captains want to help Project Half-Baked field-test this device, hold tight, because they'll be needing more subjects in just a few days and will be advertising soon.



Jimmy Bob's Super Hull eXtreme


James "Jimmy Bob" Hickey examining a scale prototype of one of his Super Hull eXtreme hulls

Jimmy Bob's of Triton says that expensive cloaking technology is, "for suckers." It is difficult and expensive to hide using electromagnetic means of bending light around your ship. To boot, it doesn't even work a large amount of the time. James Robert Hickey, proprietor of Jimmy Bob's, says that his hull design is a low cost alternative to cloaking technology. "You ain't gotta worry about getting raided if'n you look like worthless junk." These hulls should be available next week.

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Asteroid Rage Rates Climbing Among Deep Belt Pilots

Lower Belt Starport - August 14

PSYCHOLOGISTS are continuing to study the deep space malady referred to as "intermittent explosive disorder." Temper outbursts that involve raiding, shooting and even crew abuse can sometimes be attributed to the disorder, though not everyone who does those things is afflicted. And new studies suggest it is far more common than you might realize. IED, which has been nicknamed "asteroid rage" or "'roid rage," may affect hundreds of pilots and captains each day.

"People think it's just bad behavior and that you just need an attitude adjustment, but what they don't know ... is that there's a biology and cognitive science to this," says Zane Michaels, chairman of psychiatry at the Saturn Station medical school.

By definition, intermittent explosive disorder involves multiple outbursts that are way out of proportion to the situation. These angry outbursts often include threats or aggressive actions and property damage.

The disorder's outbursts seem to come in 4 distinct stages: Normal spaceflight, boredom, building anger, and finally, the explosive outburst.

The findings show the little-studied disorder is much more common than previously thought. "It is news to a lot of people, even those who are specialists in mental health services, that such a large proportion of the population has these clinically significant anger attacks," Michaels said.

"We are now much more able to define the progression and impact of this disease," said Dr. David Rasputin, professor of spacelane studies. "The findings also confirm that for most people, the difficulties associated with the disorder begin during childhood or adolescence, and they often have a profound and ongoing impact on the person's life." There is currently no treatment or cure for 'Roid Rage, but with further study, it is hoped that treatment can be found.

Recent Upswing in Piracy Caused by Solar Storms

ACIS-4 Solar Observation Station - August 13

LOST amid the questions surrounding the controversial actions of many ship captains yesterday lies an interesting scientific mystery: Just how do solar storms cause criminal and piratical behavior, anyway? The Weekly Solar News consulted with researchers at the ACIS-4 research station in Mercury's L4 point to find out. "Earth science had long correlated the link between pirates and global warming," says Dr. Antoine Koult, Director of ACIS-4.

(image courtesy http://www.venganza.org/ )

"However, the missing link wasn't sunspots or total solar activity. It was a particular type of solar storm very similar to the one that occurred yesterday." Dr. Koult briefed the WSN staff on the phonomenon that he is studying, which the ACIS team calls 'P-Energy' or 'Pirate Energy.' The following comes from his lecture. Here comes the science:

We have found that some rare types of solar activity create standing waves of unusually long-lived heavy leptons and supersymmetric neutrino pairs that string theorists call sneutrtinos. We call this toxic mix of particles P-Energy. As P-Energy from the sun during certain solar storms innundates the human brain, areas colloquially called the 'piracy centers' are activated. The following brain scans show this difference in activity in these areas.

When this occurs, even the most peaceful person will feel tempted to jump in a ship and get his (or her!) raid on. We have created a dramatization below, which shows what happens when these storms occur.

Exactly why this happens is something of a mystery. "More study is needed. And a great deal more rum and coolant!" declares Dr. Koult. The WSN will keep you updated as more is known about the link between solar output and piracy.

Pod Generators - What Are They Hiding?

Upper Belt Station Deep 37 - August 12

WRECKAGE has been uncovered in the Upper Belt that has been positively identified as the remains of a Pod Generator Platform. Little remained besides twisted metal and smears of organic material. When sampled, Weekly Solar News scientists pronounced this material decidedly "not delicious." However, what appeared to be plant seeds were recovered during the analysis process. We returned to beetle enthusiast and genetics expert Dr. Rigil Kent for an expert's opinion. "Them seeds ain't nothin' like anythin' we ever seen," says Dr. Kent. "Not even NuPeanuts got DNA that weird. It's definitelty made from Earth plant DNA, but that junk ain't right. I done used my Mr. Extrapolator on it and I ain't seen the like!" Using Dr. Kent's extracted information and the WSN mainframe, we have obtained an exclusive picutre of what these seeds may grow into:



Dr. Kent comments, "If this is what they do to plants, I'd hate to see them make some sort of altered beast!" So would we, Dr. Kent.

In a press release the Jiffy Capricorn Corporation (stock symbol JFC) has denied any involvement with the Deep Belt Pod Generators. "Our delicious peanut butter pods and JC brand NuPeanuts have nothing to do with reports of attacks in the Belt," the release states. JFC stock has dropped 83% since the pods appeared and has affected the Fusion4U.com.ast Ltd. (a major JFC investor) bottom line as well.

Youngest Raiding Party Ever!

Lyle's Day Care and Boot Camp, Uranus Starport - August 11

WAR. War never changes. But at Uranus Station, the crews fighting it are. Thanks to Lyle Honeycutt, owner of Lyle's Day Care and Boot Camp, you might just see a new crew literally toddling off with your cargo! Mr. Honeycutt has started training his charges to become a crack mercenary raiding crew. And some of them can barely walk! "Back when I was watchin' some of my sister's kids, I thought to myself, well shoot, these kids must be good for something," says Lyle. "First I tried gettin' 'em to cook, but they can't make a lunch worth squat. Then I tried sittin' 'em in front of a viewscreen to get 'em outta of the way. But all's they wanted to do was fight with each other. So I figure, what happens when you give 'em sidearms?" That was the 'Aha!' moment that launched a new business for Lyle. "Once I got em shootin' I realized that any three toddlers was as good as two men in a zero-gee raid. And they work for cookies!" Watch out, traders, or you may be seeing one of these raiders out your viewport before too long!



Lyle's Day Care and Boot Camp can be reached on channel 7873.9849/Uranus and he only charges $1/day to watch and train children from the ages of 1-6. "After that, they're old enough to join a crew," claims Lyle.

VicFrank Adopted by Aliens

[This story was researched by freelance investigator Morvita]

VicFrank Adopted by Aliens
VicFrank's NuPets Inc. Headquarters, Mars

VICFRANK, the well-known CEO of VicFrank’s NuPets, has been a major public figure since his line of unique pets was introduced in 2190. What people don’t know is that VicFrank is the adopted son of space aliens! His family history has been kept hidden from the public since he entered the public eye. Now we know why. At the age of 7, VicFrank’s biological parents were killed in an accident on one of the early colony ships to leave Earth for the Asteroid Belt. Upon reaching his new home, VicFrank was discovered by kindly aliens living in the Belt and was raised by them. Below is a photo of VicFrank’s adoptive mother obtained by this reporter. If she looks familiar, there is a good reason - VicFrank's first generation of NuPets were the lobotomized offspring of his adopted parents! No wonder he never has family around during the holidays!

Raven Knight -- REVEALED

Pluto Orbit - August 9

THE Solar System buzzes with talk about Raven Knight, the most feared captain in the Solar System. Many feel they know him, by reputation, by radio conversation, by rumor, and even by spying. But the real Raven Knight has been hidden from sight, protected by his loyal crew. He has even changed his name! It is said that this is to protect him from assassination, for notoriety and fame bring enemies. But, at great risk to himself, a trusted employee of the Weekly Solar News has infiltrated the crew of The Dread Steed.

We are pleased to bring you the first exclusive shocking picture of Mr. Knight:

Unbelievably, Raven Knight, captain of the Black Steed, possibly the most powerful pirate in the Solar System, is in actuality an adorable kitten!

Pods Actually Filled with Delicious Peanut Butter

Somewhere in the Belt - August 7

JOURNALISTS from the WSN network investigating the mysterious pods which have been sighted in the Belt have made an amazing discovery! These pods, which may seem sinister to some, are actually the Solar System's biggest publicity stunt. Yes, these pods (pictured below) are actually asteriod mock-ups filled with delicious peanut butter for the lucky spacefarers that run across them!

Rather than being afraid, those who see them should rejoice, because they have won the big prize: a lifetime supply of Jiffy Capricorn peanut butter! To advertise their newest service, the Jiffy Capricorn corporation (recently created from a merger of post-bankruptcy Max Capricorn Cruise Lines and Jiffy Amalgamated Foods and Weapons) commissioned their zero-gee manufactories to produce these fantastic space confections. They hope to promote their new full-service retro "baseball" fantasy ships, where they say customers can live like the "baseball players" of Earth once did. This includes full one-gee gravity, games of "baseball" and fancy Earth-style foods such as what they describe as "peanut butter and jelly sandwiches," whatever those may be. The result is that anyone who finds a peanut butter pod gets to keep it and go to Jiffy capricorn baseball camp! As the JC corp. representatives say, "It's peanut butter jelly time! With a baseball bat!"

"I Was Impregnated by a Regenabot!"

Ceres Station, August 6th

MALFUNCTIONING Regenabots aren't limited to going rogue and wandering the Belt. Now, they're after our women too! Lucy Knox (pictured below) from the Ceres refugee base says that she was assaulted 7 months ago by a regenabot that had flipped its lid. And her skirt!

"I was just walking home from the coolant distillery when I saw a regenabot. It crossed in front of me and blocked my way," she says. "It said I didn't fit its 'biological template' and told me that I was going to be 'repaired.' Like I'm a ship! Then, it threw me down and then did what it wanted," she sobs. "I passed out, and when I woke up, it was gone. Then I started growing this beard, and now... well, look at me!"

Science correspondents at the WSN headquarters think that the crazy machine might have a corrupted memory unit. "Maybe it once scanned a pregnant woman," says Dr. Wesley Mugabe, PhD, "And then it sustained some type of damage and now thinks that this is the normal state for women." When asked about the beard, Dr. Mugabe says, "That's just freaky. Maybe the 'bot has a fetish!" Lady pirates, if you go anywhere near Ceres: Watch out!

Weekly Solar News - Issue 0

[This was the prototypical WSN post and how it got started.]


Isotopes stolen by BatBoy!

August 1
ANONYMOUS sources inside the Martian government have confirmed that survivors from the Starcrash disaster included BatBoy, who has adapted better than humans to the space environment. In fact, he is so well adapted to space that he no longer needs oxygen or food to live! Now he consumes nothing but isotopes of common elements, but in such quantities that he is causing the system-wide shortage! Scientists are baffled by his unquenchable hunger.