Pacfist Lifestyle: On the Wane?

Abandonded Pacifist Asteroid 35 Leukothea - 2194:18:23*12:15:35 (December 23)

REPORTS from the Deep Belt indicate that raiding pacifist bases, once a fashionable pastime for violent pirates, is nearly impossible. Early theories postulated that overhunting had resulted in the extinction of large communal groupings of the pathologically non-violent. Also theorized was that they were brought to a promised land as the only non-coal recipients of Santa's naughty/nice list. But, St. Nick was busy with his own war with the AI Council. And the last reported sightings of the bases showed facilities teeming with people and riches. So, what really happened to the pacifist bases of yesteryear?



It is easy to suppose that they just got up and left. What else one, may ask, would someone devoted to peace do? They could not, for example, simply summon magical sparkling allies to enforce their way of life upon the Solar System, for even were that a possibility, the use of said force violates their world-view. No, the only logical conclusion is that someone has methodically rounded up the pacifists and kidnapped them, virtually overnight.

Who could have done such a thing, however? The Sons of Earth? The AI Council? A fleet bent on domination? None of these answers make sense. The SoE has no use for those who would not fight. The Council would protect these humans and often asked them in the past to move to protected Starbases. No fleet is large enough to have made this happen overnight.

There is but one people in the Solar System that could have pulled this off. Only one group searches for lonely souls in dark night to try and seduce them to their way of life. Only one group could have pacified the Pacifists.

The Mer-people of Neptune!

Subspace Radio Rampage

Saturnine L4 Rebroadcast Base - 2194:16:12*12:40:15 (December 12)


OFFICIALS are still looking for the reason why a woman entered the L4 Subspace Radio Rebroadcast Station in Saturn Orbit yesterday and opened fire on the operators and equipment. The woman, still not positively identified, first entered the base with an illegal fast-recharge fusion blaster and began taking hostages. After seizing control of the operations center of the base, she began screaming incoherently at hostages.


Saturnine L4 Rebroadcast Base

Council enforcers arrived on the scene within 30 minutes of the distress call sent out by terrified employees of the base. A standoff, lasting several hours, began as police made contact with the woman. She refused to speak to anyone via private channels and insisted on talking to enforcers through public broadcasts.

"The human's motives are not known," says R5C32-Mar, a Captain in AI Council Security. "Through communications with human criminal by human Senior Negotiator Lou Brincentelli, attempts were made to discern what actions criminal wanted. Failure not attributed to Brincentelli. AI Council awards commendation for his attempts, issuing following statement: 'That's some fine police work there, Lou.'" Officer Brincentelli's inability to establish common ground with the hostage taker eventually led to an attempt to free the hostages once shots were fired. The woman then opened fire on the facility and incapacitated several people, temporarily killing 18 employees and severely damaging the station. The shooter was permanently killed in the ensuing firefight when her blaster overloaded and exploded. The woman's name has not yet been released.

L4 station is the primary ansible relay responsible for so-called "ShoutBox" broadcasts which are the favored burst-communication tecnique for the System's Free Captains. Fortunately, due to the redundancy of ansible stations, there was no interruption of service to the Solar System at large.

Some of the woman's broadcasts were intercepted by a Weekly Solar News craft, the Intrepid Investigator. Here is a transcript of what was said:

Officer Lou Brincintelli: Ma'am, my name is Lou, and I work with the Council. Can you tell us what you want?

Unknown Assailant: what do sunspots do?

LB: I'm sorry? I was asking about-

UA: whut? you used the rong tag!

LB: I don't understand, what do you mean-

UA: what good price 2 buy fuson? Pass the coolant! I'm thirsty!

LB: You want to drink coolant? Uh... That doesn't-

UA: I make level four! You found a 'dignity' while searching! New Star Wars sucks! ...war forays! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA- ...

LB: Ma'am? Ma'am!

UA:

Explanations for the assailant's behavior are not known at this time. One long-time employee of the relay station was heard to say, "Well, that's what happens when you listen to the shoutbox too much."

Evolution Of Intelligence Continues

Europa Science Base - 2194:19:10*12:43:35 (December 10)

THE AI Council's refusal to allow non-augmented humans the same rights as artificial entities and cyborgs has had repercussions felt throughout the Solar System. Recent decisions have led many more humans to conclude that the Council-run starports are not for them. There has been a huge upswing in reports of defectors to the Sons of Earth. Similarly, those self-styled "Free Captains" who answer to no authority besides that of the particle cannon have suddenly found competition from new sources. Many more have turned to the pirate spaceship as a means of freedom and survival. Today's System brims with men preying on men as a result.

But how did this come to be? How did humans become second-class citizens, considered no better than some of the products of NuPets? Some scholars say it is the inevitable outcome of creating intelligent machines. Arkin J. Dickerson, senior technical historian at the Europa Science Base, says that, "Ever since machine intelligences have been created and put in positions of power, it was inevitable that evolution would take over. In a Darwinian competition for resources, the most capable will survive, yes? Well, machines are simply more capable than humans, especially with the downfall of the Earth's biosphere." Dickerson says that cyborgs and AI's are the next step in the evolution of Earth-born intelligence.


A graphic found in an AI Council textbook
If this is true, and the AIs certainly assert that it is, then "something must be done to stop this trend before it is too late," says Dickerson. "The recent 'evolutionary' trend towards robots and AIs replacing humans will inevitably end in the extinction of humans if not stopped!" This kind of thinking has led to many to form groups protesting the changes happening in modern society.



"See what we gots to do is stop the evolving that's happening!" says one protester in disguise who asked to remain nameless. Another man, claiming to be the mob's leader, T.T. Martin, says, "There's too much. We got to be more like our monkey ancestors. STOP EVOLUTION NOW!"

So, many questions remain. What future is there for humanity? Will we be wiped out or forced to become cyborgs? Will we choose to revert to a more primitive form? What does that mean for NuPets and legal persons like David Chimpson?

Santa Claus Arms Race Escalating

North Pole, Pluto - 2194:16:04*12:43:00 (December 4)

PRELIMINARY reports from the icy north pole of Pluto indicate that the Santa Claus, LLC's COAL delivery space-sleds are being upgraded this year. This marks the seventh year of the last twelve in which the delivery sleds have been upgraded.

The AI Council has officially branded Mr. Claus a terrorist due to his actions bringing cheerful supplies to people of every provenance, even known members of the Sons of Earth. "This person is not welcome among those under our umbrella of protection," says AI Councillor Scroog-3. "When contacted, he indicated that he was the sole arbiter of 'who is naughty and who is nice.' This defiance of the Council will not be tolerated." The Council has continuously denounced Mr. Claus's actions for many years, since even before the Starcrash, when they first attempted to use force to stop him.


A dramatization of pre-Starcrash attempts to stop Mr. Claus

Since the destruction of the habitable surface of the Earth, Santa Claus, LLC and its subsidiary manufacturer of distribution sleds, Black Pete Manufacturing, have moved their operations to Pluto. As a result of the Council's initial attempts to neutralize the Claus corp sleds, a defensive arms race appears to have begun. To combat the Council's attempts to destroy the sleds, elaborate cloaking systems as well as various counter-measures will be employed to protect the newest versions of these space-going vessels.

It is rumored that the Council is ready to try and interdict Mr. Claus again this year with stealthy vessels of their own. Agents with ties to Black Pete's manufacturing plants indicate that their newest sleds will continue to be proof against Council attacks. Either way, the Weekly Solar News predicts that the real winners of this secret war will be scavengers, who will have a field day, especially in the drives and shielding that enhance cloaking.

AI Council Insults Humanity Again!

Juno Courthouse - 2194:18:1*12:30:15 (December 1)

RIOTS have broken out in the few places left in the system where large gatherings can still occur. The AI Council's most recent supreme judiciary ruling has sparked widespread anger among the human population of the System at large.


A Pirate Riot
While still refusing to allow any "unaugmented" humans to serve as Councilors, the Council has been characterized as demonstrating its disdain for those who they have often termed "untrustworthy humans." The new decision reverses the Saturn Starport vs. NuPets ruling of 2176, which held that all engineered organisms examined in that case were the sole property of VicFrank's NuPets, Inc. And this reversal has some of humanity so angry that the Council has been forced to deploy five elite "Mickey Mouse" brigades of cyborg riot troops.


Elite AI Council Riot Suppressors
"We is so angry 'cause some of dem NuPets is now the same as us!" says one protester who wished to remain anonymous. "It's bad 'nuff that we cain't vote, but now we got the same dadgum rights as animals with fancy gene splicing? It's gonna make me join the Sons of Earth!."

The successful prosecution of the case, Dave the Chimp vs. Celebrity Idol News Corp. has made some happy, however, and made an instant multi-millionaire out of new legal person David G. Chimpson, known by his stage name as "Dave the Chimp."


Mr. Chimpson, seen above, was the star of many recent blockbuster movies, including "Where's my banana?" "Jungle Fever" "Lethal Weapon LXVI" and "Hamlet" He now has the right to receive his own pay, rather than have it paid to his former owner, Celebrity Idol Studios. "This is a vindication for all my brothers who have been bred to toil in slavery to humans. But especially for me. Do you know how many bananas I can buy now?" Chimpy Dave also announced plans to produce his own independent film, a remake of the 20th Century epic, "Independence Day" starring himself as the President and a currently unnamed actor in the other main role.

Celebrity Idol stock dipped 10% on the news of the case's outcome this morning.

Sons of Earth claim credit for Jovian asteroid engineering

AFTER vowing to bring the truth to you, the reader, the Weekly Solar News is proud to announce that we have finally located a group that claims credit for the massive planetoid relocation project in Jovian orbit. You may recall that before it was prematurely exposed by our intrepid investigators, the mysterious project seemed to exist solely to spell an expletive.



The WSN now has an exclusive interview with an individual who claims to speak for the Sons of Earth, the ancient terrorist organization widely believed to have been the cause of the Starcrash Catastrophe. Here is an excerpt from our frightening interview.

Weekly Solar News: The Weekly Solar News has interceepted information that you claim to be the leader of the organization known as the Sons of Earth. Is this true?

Sons of Earth "Leader": First off, I´d like to start by offering greetings from the deep belt. It's been a while since we've been in touch with humanity and yes, we are true sons of earth.

WSN: Are you the same Sons of Earth that are widely believed to have been the cause of the Starcrash Catastrophe?

SoE: No. As far as I know, all of them are dead and have been for a long time.


The "leader" of the Sons of Earth

WSN: You must know that whatever you say, many or most in the Solar System will think you terrorists. How do you respond?

SoE: We respond by openly stating that we are no more "terrorist" than any of the other so-called pirate fleets currently grinding each other to a bloody pulp. In fact, I would say we are even less so, as it is our sole aim to provide for our people and those who wish to join us. We are not raiding or attacking you for our personal gain, but to feed hungry mouths back home and to build a better future. One day, I hope, you will see this.

WSN: We have heard rumors that you have claimed responsibility for the recent asteroid relocation project in Jovian Orbit. Did you organization do this?

SoE: Yes, we had too many drives to spare.

WSN: Why would you do this? What were you spelling?

SoE: An old terran expression which sums up our feelings for the AI council in two crude, simple and effective words.

Chilling words. The astute reader will notice that the Sons of Earth dodge the question about the cause of the Starcrash, which to any thinking person indicates their organizational involvement. They freely admit creating a terrible navigational hazard for purely trivial reasons. They equate many citizens of the Solar System with terrorists, even though most are simply doing what must be done to ensure survival. The Sons of Earth condemn despite the fact the they caused the current conditions by making the Earth uninhabitable! Worse still, they greet humanity from without, as if separate or better. Can we doubt their malevolence? Can we even treat them as human? What else could they be? Post-human cyborgs? Robots? Rogue AI's? Neptunian mermen?

Boom Shake the Room

Saturn Forward Trojan Point Debris Field - October 30

REPORTS of new technological findings are streaming from all over the Sol System. Just days ago, a mysterious AI broadcast a widely heard series of messages across the planets. The speaker appeared to be a cyborg implanted with a Cybernetic Artificial Thinking System. Whether this intelligence is part of the AI Council regime or a rogue is open to speculation. Over several minutes, it broadcast several messages, starting with, "BOOM SHAKE THE ROOM." Consternation spread as spacers everywhere pondered the meaning of this powerfully sent message.



Further messages from the CATS cyborg elaborated. "SOMEBODY SET YOU UP THE BOMB" "YOU HAVE NO CHANCE, MAKE YOUR TIME" and "FEAR ME, I AM A CLICHE" Debris scavengers located throughout the system suddenly reported finding deactivated small bombs. Quickly adapting, the clone engineers aboard many vessels were able to adapt these bombs somewhat for use in combat. But questions abound: Is this some sort of inept plot? A publicity stunt for peanut butter? A message? No one knows.

The intrigue deepened further today as modified bombs were found. Early reports claimed that these bombs were pumpkin-shaped and more deadly and reliable than the first wave of bombs. A well-known con man claimed to have obtained the only pumpkin bombs in existence, but was discredited when it was found that he was, in fact, selling LED-lighted plastic pumpkins filled with non-explosive latex. Later the real bombs were discovered to be somewhat different in form. As a public service, here is how to tell the difference.



Please do not purchase these fake pumpkin bombs. They have a 100% chance of failure. Further reports that weird data crystals have also been found in the Deep Belt have not yet been substantiated. They are rumored to be stolen records from the pre-StarCrash Faction Wars. If you have any information about these Faction Wars artifacts or know of a way to decode ancient espionage devices, please contact the Weekly Solar News.

Crisis of Infinite Mopars

Lower Belt - October 23

RECENTLY the AI Council tried to pass off the sudden appearance of thousands of educated, talented officers as the result of an accident. A drone ship called the Argonaut was involved in a crash in the Outer System, destroying the vessel and scattering its cargo. The result was claimed to be the diaspora of clones said to have been held in its hold. The officers that many Captains across the Solar System have hired are said to be these very clones. The Council declined to explain why anyone would manufacture these clones or what they planned to use them for.



Cloned Chief Entertainment Officers
However, there is reason to believe there is even more to this story than previously thought. Due to what are now being called "regenabot diagnostic errors," many people have woken up from regen cocoons to find themselves changed! When they looked in the mirror, they found their faces to be different from before. Their ability to speak coherently was changed. And some fundamental portions of their identities were altered! When asked what their name was, many could only say, "mopar man."


The hideous form of the mopar men

The Weekly Solar News was lucky enough to score an interview with a self-described "rnopar man" at the height of what is now being called the Mopar Crisis. rnopar man told us, "when I mopared up I mopared at myself in the mirror and I looked like this! i tried to mopar for help but all i could mopar was '1967 Chevrolet!'"

Another victim of this event recalls after the fact, "I woke up and felt weird. When I went to shave, I was shocked. I even remember shouting, 'son of a mopar' I tried to call for my ship's doctor to see if I was hallucinating, but all I could get out was, 'call the mopar i have been mopared and my mopar is mopar! please get me the '37 oldsmobile' No one knew what the heck I was saying."

Witnesses say that that one point there were many distress calls heard throughout the System from captains calling themselves variously mopar man, rnopar man, mopar rnan, mopar woman, and Ovid9. Some even turned on the rest, calling for the death of the "fake" mopar men.


A mopar man seen in Uranus Starport

Luckily, the regenabots solved the Mopar Crisis themselves. As frustration mounted, almost every single one of the mopar men was blasted by annoyed pirates who were tired of the Mopar Crisis. The AI Council claims that it corrected the "diagnosis errors" in its regena-network. When the regenabots repaired the affected humans, the captains and crew who had been afflicted woke up from the regen cocoons as themselves. But the memories of their time as mopar men still haunt them.


A mopar man and mopar woman recorded on Ceres

But questions still remain. How could this happen? Is this related to the cloned officers? Could your officer have been someone else before his current identity? Why would the Council make more mopar men? Why would the regenabots even need the ability to reprogram identities in the first place? What else have they changed? and why cant i shake the feeling that it could mopar again

oh mopar what the mopar am i saying

i wish i was moparing around in a 68 mustang that would be the mopar

Project Portends Planetoid Problems

Jupiter Orbit - October 18

FOR many years since the invention of farcasters and space tractors, re-engineering of the skies had been the norm. The organizations which have been powerful enough to employ the expensive and extensive machinery needed to move asteroids were responsible stewards of this technology. The only known lapse of judgment in planetoid moving was the worst catastrophe in history, the Starcrash. Humans reacting to the destruction of the surface of the Earth and the AI Council joined together to stop the movement of large asteroids altogether. With the security clampdown that followed the crisis, the art of mining asteroids in situ rather than relocating them was reborn.

Recently, however, mysterious ships have been seen in Jupiter's Orbit at work moving mid-sized asteroids out of the Belt.


Asteroidal tractor sighted in Jovian orbit

About 150 degrees behind Jupiter on the ecliptic, a Weekly Solar News investigative scout ship detected some quite unusual activity. It seems that the departure of the protector ships have made some humans brave enough to attempt moving the System's big rocks again. The WSN team approached what looked in telescopic views to be nothing less than an asteroid corralling operation. Someone is engineering the skies again. During the approach to the giant project, the WSN vessel was interdicted. The ships that stopped the reporters demanded that the crew turn back. After a brief exchange in which the journalists attempted to elicit comments on the reason for this remote operation, the WSN ship was disabled and partially destroyed. Fortunately, no WSN ship goes on remote scouting missions without regenabot summoners; the crew was able to get repaired and find its way home to the WSN mobile headquarters without fear of drifting disabled right out of the Solar System.

A mysterious organization engineering asteroid orbits is a cause for great concern. Besides the obvious use of asteroids as weapons, moving them about the System at will can create intense navigational hazards. Many ships depend on proprietary charts calculating the "safe routes" from planet to planet based on the known positions of most of the minor planets. It is often hard to obtain complete data about the entire Solar System. Seeking to know more about the possible implications of this discovery, the WSN intercepted the AI Council's monthly internal report on asteroid positions. The Council uses its superior knowledge of the system to cement its rule, but these reports are retrievable by hackers as they reach the end of their useful lifespan.

What was found is stunning. Although this enterprise puts everything in Jovian orbit in potential danger, it may not have a reasonable or responsible cause. Its purpose seems obvious when the field is seen from above the plane of the ecliptic. The massive project (pictured below, circled in red) seems to be of a frivolous nature!


The inner Solar System with asteroids over 10 m wide in black

Is this an act of rebellion? A protest? Could it be that one of the greatest efforts in asteroidal engineering is meant to do no more than spell a rude word?

New Technology Roundup #2

Agarttha Research Base - October 13

TECHNOLOGY marches on in the Solar System even without the great labs of old Earth. After the Starcrash Catastrophe, research into new, more powerful weapons and shields, better drives and improvements of more exotic systems has actually increased as an expression of per capita expenditure. Humans' dependence on their science changed from a question of luxuries (such as creamier Venusian chocolates) to a matter of life and death (how to fabricate essential Flintstone-shaped vitamins). As incredible new products are discovered and created, the Weekly Solar News is there with its newest edition of the Technology Roundup. Here are a couple of the most cutting edge weapons we have encountered:

The Holy Hand Grenade Array
The Holy Hand Grenade Array is a new type of auto-cannon custom built for Deep Belt forays. It is designed to deliver a more effective type of explosive ammunition, dubbed the "wrath of God," to take out the really tough platforms, pods and ships occasionally seen in the deep fields. It is a temperamental weapon despite its tremendous power and should be used with caution and only after fully understanding the instructions on its use.


"First shalt thou arm the Holy Array, then shalt thou count to three, no more, no less. Three shall be the number thou shalt count, and the number of the counting shall be three. Four shalt thou not count, neither count thou two, excepting that thou then proceed to three. Five is right out. Once the number three, being the third number, be reached, then aimest thou thy Holy Hand Grenade Array towards thy foe, who being naughty in my sight, shall snuff it."


The Naked Phaser Emitter

Ordinary phaser emitters operate by creating waves of high probability of quark or lepton appearance and disappearance. They take advantage of quantum tunneling to strip normal atoms of their electrons and force them to reappear in unstable configurations. This produces a small release of energy and destabilizes any matter it passes through. The problem is that the particle streams cannot be relied upon to materialize within the vital regions of the enemy vessel.


Dr. L. Nielsen, inventor of the Naked Phase Effect
Now, several researchers think that they may be on the verge of creating a new type of emitter that could change the way we think about the technology. "Probability wave manipulation is very difficult and unpredictable," says Dr. L. Nielsen, head of the NPE project at Agarttha Base. "There is always risk. You take a risk getting up in the morning, crossing the street... or sticking your face in a fan." His work is intended to decrease this risk, however, by isolating the phase effect and causing it to focus on a predetermined point. This would create constructive interference in the target and lead to a concentration of the naked phaser effect. Because of this concentration, the NPE project calls their new weapon the "Naked Phaser Emitter." We tried to elicit more details, but Dr. Nielsen was too busy with testing, saying, "I'm sorry, I can't hear you! Don't fire the gun while you're talking!"

Where Have All the Protectors Gone?

Seeger Base, Asteroid Allodd - October 6

PROTECTORS have been lost from the solar system and still the question resounds through the planets: where did they go? There is no reduction in pirate activity in the outer system or the belt. There seem to be more pods of the decidedly non-delicious kind than ever. Sons of Earth terrorist activity has not diminished. The answer is not, as some have suggested, related to the ever more erratic sunspot cycles.


The Sun. For once, NOT to blame!
Certainly, there is not a threat of attack from without the Solar System. But if so, what threat could the AI protectors be facing?

The answer is ominous: One of humanity's own devising.

During the MMORPG explosion of the early 21st century, when so many important innovations were made in the fields of Artificial Intelligence and advanced computing, the Western Nations were facing an economic crisis. As the new currencies of WoW gold, meat, and Wii points began to supplant the dollar and the euro, earning digital currency became as high a priority as earning "real" money. This development pointed to a gaping hole in the economic models of the capitalist West. They were at risk of losing to the Pacific Rim nations. There was a goldfarming gap.


General Buck Turgidson, First Commander of Project QWERTY
In secret, the United States and its closest allies began researching a way that the west could keep up. Terrible mistakes were made along the way. Gamer Fuel was invented and fortunately forgotten. Horrible permutations of Mountain Dew were attempted. Finally, the allied governments, realizing that Western gamers were too undisciplined to keep up, commissioned Project QWERTY. QWERTY was designed to create a super-primate with none of the laziness of humans and the lightning-quick reflexes of an animal.


Found in the Old Earth Archives in Mars Starport: An early Project QWERTY ape!
Project QWERTY succeeded. It succeeded beyond its creators' wildest dreams. Their boosted apes and chimpanzees became some of the most powerful farmers of the 21st century and crushed the virtual economies of the Far East. If that were the end of the story, it would be easy to rest well at night. Unfortunately, the burgeoning space program of the 2040's meant that tiny, intelligent primates would serve humans in a new way.


Project QWERTY pilots

With the continuation of "faster, better, cheaper" at both NASA and the European Space Agency, the Project QWERTY primates were seen as trainable pilots for small space vessels that could be launched into orbit far more cheaply than humans. Over 200 were eventually launched and used as astronauts in the mid 21st Century. But over a period of 5 years, they all disappeared.


A Threat to the Solar System?

The Weekly Solar News believes that the AI Protectors have mobilized to counter the return of the descendants of Project QWERTY. With their improved reflexes, superior discipline and hilarious antics, they could be a bigger threat to the system than even durians or the SoE. The WSN advises caution! Beware: no matter how cute and harmless a monkey appears in a spacesuit, it can still activate energy weapons far faster than any human.

Bailout of Fusion4U

By Qilapid - October 4

AMID panicked calls for the bailout of Fusion4U.com by the AI Council, the origin of our current situation has been mostly forgotten. 22 years ago, the Council suppressed all competition in the fields of advanced fusion research and ionic propulsion methods. It essentially outlawed the existence of several competitors, with the giant Martian company Maximum Overdrive Rocket Engines, LLC. and Russo-Indian cooperative Pакета among them. The Council created this monster monopoly in the name of "more efficient management of technological development resources." Supposedly, competing research organizations would waste time by having multiple teams duplicating the same scientific investigations. As a result, the Council has created a behemoth that is "too big to fail" and threatens the economic stability of the entire solar system. And failing it is, for it cannot compete with the new generation of micro-fusion reactors being built into ships automatically by regenabots.


Savior? Or Super-villain?

The Weekly Solar News editorial page strongly rejects any call to inject more money into this colossal failure. The Council already allows us to fall prey to the ridiculous depredation of the prices that Fusion4U charges for their inferior products. We have no desire to see port docking fees increase to maintain the solvency of this corporation. The AI Council created this mess, and it worsened it by providing better fusion drives on ships for free. That was supposed to save money for every ship in the solar system and these savings were supposed to help prop up the economy and lead to more capital investment into Fusion's large reactor core business.

We believe that no single company, even an artificial mega-monopoly, is essential to the well-being of the economy. The impact of increased port taxes will far outweigh the short-term benefit of stabilizing stock prices. The AI Council's stewardship put us in this situation with its lack of foresight. Now we are supposed to believe the same people who got us here know exactly how to get us out? And is it any surpise that their only solution is to make us pay for their mistakes? Write your AI Counselor today and demand that this proposal be rejected!

Security Concerns Due to New Year's Celebration

AI Council Dispatch Station 133A - September 30

CONCERNS over the abnormally low number of sightings of the AI-controlled craft known "protector ships" have reached a new high around the Solar System. The decrease in these patrol vessels has many worried about the security implications for the stations and the system at large. These powerful ships perform many of the essential administrative and pseudo-governmental functions that maintain the fragile balance of power in our civilization. Defense patrols, port fee collection and secure cargo offloading are only a few of the valuable services derived from the protectors. Of course, given the inclinations of many denziens of Sol's orbits, this decrease in security is sometimes greeted with other reactions besides worry. "Haaarrrrrr, har, har, har, haaar!" says one self-described pirate. "Sound like time t'celebrate, me hearties!"

Reasons postulated for the decrement in posted ships vary.

There are bizarre conspiracy theories about the AI council: "They want to kill us all!" says Captain James Crew of the incorporated ship Catalogue. "They've made us dependent on their protection and then withdrawn it! What will we do without them?" Meanwhile, George McIlhenny, pilot of the Good Ship Blowpop claims, "The AI Council is finally helping to fight the menace of the pods! They're finally helping us!"

Others believe that regenabots are losing their ability to continously repair themselves and all the various machinery that abound in the Solar System. "Regenabots won't be able to do what they do forever," says Mitchell "Popeye" Irvin of Mars Starport. "Pretty soon, they're gonna run out of energon."


A Protector Ship

The truth is far more startling. Apparently, many of the system's artificial intelligences have found religion! "Look at the calendar - today is Rosh Hashanah," says Rabbi Mike Cohen. "It seems as if the AIs are being converted to Judiasm. That's where they are all going - to schule!" So, the next time you encounter an AI, be safe, tell it, "Shana tova!"

AI Designers - An Editorial

This editorial was the last transmission of the WSN ship Surprise, last sighted in orbit around Eris.

We stand doomed by forces far beyond our control. Our current environment is the product of, in order: the devastation of our homeworld, the collapse of all recognizable pre-Starcrash governments, the end of civility and the rise of bad attitudes, the rise of machine rule by AI overlords, and the lack of even a decent glass of gin.


Our "society" has a Bad Attitude!

These events have turned a once-great civilization into the twisted pirates that roam our System, searching for the scraps of technology that regenabots feel like making from scrap on any given day. The "benign" rule of the AI Council has even removed the hope of escape from our foul existence; not even suicide affords a way out for the wretched immortals that we have become. Like Coleridge's ancient mariner, we are trapped on ships of the damned with no one to blame but our collective selves.

But none of this is new. I write today of a novel menace, one that threatens to make our blasted existence even more abominable. I speak of the Artificial entity or entities that design our ships. No matter how extensively we reconfigure our ships to eke out a measure of individual comfort and utility, when we are inevitably rebuilt after Regenabots take notice of damage. Our bodies are reformed more or less as before, but our ships are completely rebuilt to adhere to the same default plans. Sloops, frigates, cruisers. We name these ships as if we have some say in their form. But all know that we do not. If I were to strap 300 laser beams onto my modest vessel, no doubt I would be capable of an enormous amount of damage. But once our nano-mechanical masters took notice, I would find myself rebuilt in a configuration that leaves me with the same number of "slots" that I had when I "bought" this rust-bucket by exchanging cargo mass for greater ship mass.

Such is the folly of men that I have resigned myself to this paltry existence. I am content to drink coolant and pretend that it is the fine liqueur of my youth. I look at the stars and try to remember their allure and why I even became a cosmonaut in the first place. I even strive to "research" and pillage to get ahead in the trivial game we pitiful eternals play to distract ourselves from contemplating this mockery of life that we live.

But I have finally had enough. Not content to already dominate and influence and control every aspect of our reality, the AIs that govern ship design have crossed the line. They have gone beyond simply limiting my options. They have begun reconfiguring the very way in which I interact with my ship. My consoles change from day to day. I wake up from dreams of a better world and find myself in an unfamiliar bridge with new a layout and interface. And now a vile AI personality has my ship giving me advice! Late at night, ship's time, when I used to gleefully count my credits in the bank, a voice booms over the intercom: "You have 100% fuel and should go on a Salvage Foray!" "Attack a nearby pirate! Your hull is 100% intact!" "You have 100% Research and energy. You should Research and improve your stats!" "The cake is not a lie!"


My controls!

To this I say no more! Our overlords have tortured us enough without needless and useless redesigns of our very habitats. Take action - we are not powerless! Take up what arms you have! Say it with me: "I'm not going to take it any more!" Smash your controls! Destroy the "improvements!" Scream with me, my brothers and sisters! Show our "masters" what you think of their "creative" changes! Break! DESTROY! SMAS-

- - - TRANSMISSION TERMINATED

How to Survive a Hull Breach

The Weekly Solar News offers the first in a proposed series of public service announcements in this issue. Today's PSA is for new crew members of any standard model sloop, cruiser or frigate; it offers safety advice on what to do when experiencing catastrophic hull breach.



How to Survive a Hull Breach


1. Don't Panic! Your ship may be equipped with state-of-the-art emergency escape pods, probably sufficient to evacuate every single crewmember with capacity to spare.


2. Stay Put! Bulkhead doors are designed to seal to maintain the oxygenated environment in all areas of the ship. You will not be able to move between sections once these doors have closed. Please do not press the "open door" button!


3. Help is Already On the Way! The Communications Chief will activate a regenabot summoner to summon local repair droids.


4. Get Out! If and when the evacuation alarm sounds, queue up at the escape pods. Senior crew will assist you to a seat in one of the available pods. The Life Support System will be active, with oxygen, water, and food sufficient for one week.

Fresh rations!

5. Activate Ejection! An authorized crewmember will activate the Pod Ejection Mechanism. This is the large red button located to the side of the Escape Pod bank. The pod computer will verify the identity of the person activating the system for your safety. Remember: you must be authorized to press the red button.


6. Relax! After 15 seconds, the Escape Pod door will close and lock. The Escape Pod is entirely automatic. There is nothing that a passenger can do to affect the systems.


7. Wait. Once ejection is safely completed, remember you will probably be rescued within two weeks! For more information, consult the Space Rescue handbook and interactive instructional cartridge!



This concludes the Weekly Solar News PSA on How to Survive a Hull Breach. Thanks for reading and good luck!

Notorious Cybercriminal Caught, Executed

Neptune Starport - September 13

Notorious pirate captain DepJ has been caught and executed by remote cyberagents of the AI Council. Agents apprehended him in the notorious anarchic Neptune Station Tuesday as he violated some of the few remaining laws our civilization still holds dear. "It is pretty hard to get an AI living-death squad after you," says Derek Nartoole, an uploaded human aide to the Council. "Those guys are really nasty. They capture you, remove your 'consciousness mechanisms' and leave your body continuing to operate as before. That's where the 'flying dutchman' ships come from that are reported sporadically."


An "Exterminated Consciousness" vessel sighted off Europa

Old spacehands warn to stay away from these ships when they are sighted, for though the minds of the crew are gone, they are still quite dangerous and operate as if they were still crewed by normal humans. The AI Council apparently leaves them in this state to caution all those who would violate its dictates. Some say that the consciousness of the crew is not actually removed, but loses all volition and must live forever with no control over their actions. Nartoole denies this rumor saying, "the Council is not so cruel."

DepJ and his crew were tried and sentenced in absentia for the crimes of attempting to overwrite ship AIs, trying to hack the AI Council mainframe, shouting "Whoomp, there it is!" as a battle cry, and egregious pants-stealing.

Whence the Argo?

Asteroid Base "New Toronto" - September 13

Speculation thunders across the Solar System about the catastrophic demise of the drone clone ship Argonaut and the intended destination and purpose of its duplicated crew. Given the penchant of both the AI Council and the SoE for meaningful metaphorical nomenclature, scholars and pirates alike are sure there must be a hidden meaning to the doomed ship's name. Experts on the various ancient Earth groups called Argonauts have suddenly found themselves in high demand.


Clones!

Some suspect that the name refers to the ancient mythological Greek heroes who sought the Golden Fleece of Chrysomallos. Apollonius of Rhodes told the story of a group who organized under Jason and whose heroes include Heracles and his companion Hylas, Castor and Pollux, Orpheus, Meleager, Peleus (father of Achilles), Laertes (supposed father of Odysseus), Telamon (father of Ajax), and the ship's builder, Argos. They fought many enemies such as rocks and nymphs (who kidnapped Hylas) and hot one-breasted chicks.


The ancient Greek monster named Cyclops

What any of this has to do with the clones being found in stasis pods in the modern Solar System is anyone's guess. But, given the talents of the Officers people have hired, it does seem unlikely that they are some sort of hero destined to help ships of humanity defeat the modern equivalent of rocks and women. But, there was another group known as the Argonauts.


The Toronto Argonauts!

Perhaps the clones recovered in deep space are in fact highly-trained and talented Canadian football players! Eh?

Martian Crackdown!

Mars Starport - September 12

DESPOTISM is an ugly word. It is often applied to the Autarchy of Mars to describe the regime's intolerance to dissent and raiding. Those lucky few Martians who live here in prosperity say that order is preferable to the chaos that pervades the System. This stands disputed by many others who ask at what price comes this order. The Weekly Solar News has often lauded the Martian overlords for keeping the peace and continuing to allow many freedoms, especially freedom of the press.* We are not impervious, however, to the evidence that Mars appears to be undergoing a serious crackdown on what it calls "errant and disruptive behavior."


This sign was first seen last week by a WSN contributor in the Marsport docks


Quickly following behind the first were these sightings


Arrest of a Durian ban violator

As you can see, Mars Starport has banned Durian use and consumption. Is it despotism? You be the judge!


*Disclaimer: WSN is the official News Source of the Autarch; he has paid for a lifetime subscription to the newscast.

Why Your Ship's New Officer Might be Trying to KILL You

AI Council Base - September 11

A SENIOR human aide employed by the AI Council has given an exclusive interview to the Weekly Solar News - the Solar System's Only Reliable News!



The senior council aide, disguised and pictured above through a multi-level encrypted channel, has stated that "these Officers are actually a shipment of clones that was being sent to the Outer System. The AI Council drone ship collided with space junk and thousands of clones were ejected in stasis pods. These clone officers are programmed to believe that they are normal humans and are not aware they are clones. They are very talented and well-trained for what they perceive as their jobs. "


Clones from the only remaining intact hold of the clone drone ship

Officers are being found floating in space, this is nothing special. The real story is that they are human clones. According to their charter, Clones Etc. Inc is supposed to work with its spin-off, VicFrank's NuPets, to create only animal clones for the Terrestrial Arcologies on Mars. Evidently they (or some agency using their technology) have stepped far over the line. The real question is this: why program clones to think they are human? Do they have some hidden agenda? Could your executive officer be trying to kill you?



Evidence below was provided by the Council aide and clearly show the facility raising humans.



Because of the clone-drone-ship origin of these stasis pods, this initial influx of Clone Officers will taper off. Many of the stasis pods have already been located and the chances of finding Officers will likely markedly decrease. They will become increasingly rare, if not less potentially deadly. Hire them at your own risk!

The AI Council: Here to help us?

Meridian West Research Base - September 3

RESEARCHERS and archivists have already uncovered the startling news that the AI Council is attempting to revise history by editing archives and textbooks. The Weekly Solar News was proud to expose this scheme, but has delved deeper to uncover how far these plans go. Our recent hiatus from broadcast was taken so that our most experienced reporters could go underground and explore this plot in more detail.

What we uncovered was nothing short of shocking.

We found renegade humans working with AIs to "reprogram" human memories.


This photo was taken inside an AI Council base

Our investigator was almost caught capturing proof and barely escaped with his life. Currently, little is known about what the AIs are planning. Artificial brains implanted in human bodies are nothing new to the Solar System, so something else may well be afoot. It is known that very few AIs will "sully" themselves by becoming the brain in a cyborg body. These facts suggest something truly awful, even in these degenerate times. Not willing to exterminate humans and needing them to perform certain duties and functions, the artificial intelligences that control much of the System are beginning a program to make more compliant humans. They are doing this using a brainwashing method unimaginable to our ancestors. The AIs are trying to rewrite our very memories. And why would they do this? Our intrepid newshound was able to pilfer a single document before his perilous escape. This is our only clue to what the AIs have in store:



If you have any idea what this diabolical document may mean, please contact the Weekly Solar News!