Subspace Radio Rampage

Saturnine L4 Rebroadcast Base - 2194:16:12*12:40:15 (December 12)


OFFICIALS are still looking for the reason why a woman entered the L4 Subspace Radio Rebroadcast Station in Saturn Orbit yesterday and opened fire on the operators and equipment. The woman, still not positively identified, first entered the base with an illegal fast-recharge fusion blaster and began taking hostages. After seizing control of the operations center of the base, she began screaming incoherently at hostages.


Saturnine L4 Rebroadcast Base

Council enforcers arrived on the scene within 30 minutes of the distress call sent out by terrified employees of the base. A standoff, lasting several hours, began as police made contact with the woman. She refused to speak to anyone via private channels and insisted on talking to enforcers through public broadcasts.

"The human's motives are not known," says R5C32-Mar, a Captain in AI Council Security. "Through communications with human criminal by human Senior Negotiator Lou Brincentelli, attempts were made to discern what actions criminal wanted. Failure not attributed to Brincentelli. AI Council awards commendation for his attempts, issuing following statement: 'That's some fine police work there, Lou.'" Officer Brincentelli's inability to establish common ground with the hostage taker eventually led to an attempt to free the hostages once shots were fired. The woman then opened fire on the facility and incapacitated several people, temporarily killing 18 employees and severely damaging the station. The shooter was permanently killed in the ensuing firefight when her blaster overloaded and exploded. The woman's name has not yet been released.

L4 station is the primary ansible relay responsible for so-called "ShoutBox" broadcasts which are the favored burst-communication tecnique for the System's Free Captains. Fortunately, due to the redundancy of ansible stations, there was no interruption of service to the Solar System at large.

Some of the woman's broadcasts were intercepted by a Weekly Solar News craft, the Intrepid Investigator. Here is a transcript of what was said:

Officer Lou Brincintelli: Ma'am, my name is Lou, and I work with the Council. Can you tell us what you want?

Unknown Assailant: what do sunspots do?

LB: I'm sorry? I was asking about-

UA: whut? you used the rong tag!

LB: I don't understand, what do you mean-

UA: what good price 2 buy fuson? Pass the coolant! I'm thirsty!

LB: You want to drink coolant? Uh... That doesn't-

UA: I make level four! You found a 'dignity' while searching! New Star Wars sucks! ...war forays! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA- ...

LB: Ma'am? Ma'am!

UA:

Explanations for the assailant's behavior are not known at this time. One long-time employee of the relay station was heard to say, "Well, that's what happens when you listen to the shoutbox too much."