Suspicions Spread about Space Sausage

Mr. Miyamo's Super Sausage Factory - August 30

RUMORS abound about "Mr. Miyamo's Space Sausage" products and the unusual ingredients that may be going into them. In the last several days, consumers of the popular synthetic sausage product (pictured below) have reported unusual reactions to cooking in both the links and the patties.



It seems that many of the products from the Mr. Miyamo's factory have, once heated, split open and expelled some type of gas. Although no permanent ill effects have been reported by those exposed to the meaty exhalations, strange temporary effects have been observed. "I was chowin' down on some tequila-flavored space sausage," says Arnold Bereftswaller, a janitor on the FFS Nightwing, "and the next thing I knows is that I'm waking up in the hold naked as a needle!" He and others have photographed the sausages in their odd state once they have emitted their strange exhalations.



Mr. Miyamo's Space Sausage, LLC. has not responded to inquiries and could not be reached for comment. WSN testing failed to confirm any odd emanations from Space Sausage products, but we feel compelled to warn that in some circumstances, it appears that tequila sausages may make your clothes fall off.

Ancient Photograph Surprise

Jupiter Station Archives - August 27

ARCHIVISTS studying pictures of old Las Vegas were startled to find the following evidence:



This picture appears to show that there was once a such creature as a jackalope and that one actually ran a casino/hotel on the Las Vegas "strip!" Archeo-taxonimists are re-writing the book on extinct Earth species based on this new evidence; it seems that jackalopes are not just myths, like blue whales and dragons, but rather were once real, like giraffes, tigers and mermen.

Prominent Pyramid Player Prosecuted in Pharmaceutical Probe

Fédération Interplanétaire de Pyramid Association - August 27

RICO Melangelo, the star of the Mars Station pyramid team, is being investigated by the Fédération Interplanétaire de Pyramid Association (FIPA) for doping. He is accused of using "Comet," which is a dangerous mixture of points and coolant. Melangelo denies any involvement with Comet. He has issued a statement saying only that he occasionally has used point "precursors," which are not banned for use in professional competition. Melangelo claims that it is the presence of these precursors which caused a false positive result and not Comet use.


Melangelo, pictured left, in last year's FIPA Championship

Comet has been implicated in many subtle types of brain damage that regenabots seem not to be able to repair, and therefore is one of the most dangerous stimulants known. Despite the risks, however, many athletes use Comet because it can often make a noticible difference in performance, especially in positively affecting spinning deflection passes in Pyramid. Melangelo's team, the Martian Marvins, says that they have no information regarding Rico's alleged Comet usage. They assert that they test regularly and have a zero tolerance policy towards Comet abuse. The Marvins won last year's FIPA championship game against the Pluto Station Hellraisers largely due to amazing neutral zone play by Melangelo.

The FIPA commisioner, Jean-Andre Comiskey, said today that, "This would be a terrible blemish on our sport if true. We are investigating more closely to make certain of the doping charges. Points and coolant just don't mix! If there's one thing I want the Solar System's Pyramid fans to learn, it is this: 'Just say no to Comet!'"

Bearded Woman Gives Birth to Regenabot Baby!

Ceres Station - August 26

Devoted readers of the Weekly Solar News will remember Mrs. Lucy Knox (pictured below) who was assaulted by an alarmingly rouge-colored rogue man-sized regenabot on Ceres Station.



As is obvious, she was impregnated, and her appearance was altered. There are those who attacked this poor woman with cries of "Hoax!" and "Liar!" and have said that no baby would be produced from this fantastic and improbable occurrance. One such is Maximillian "Doc" Holland, A.S.E., a self-proclaimed Jovian "science expert." Doc Holland says, "I flatly do not believe this story. To this "lady," I say: Liar! Hoax! The reading public of the Solar System has been had!"

Real life, however, has a surprise for Doc Holland. Astute readers will note that very little time has passed since this incident. Certainly, there has not been enough time for normal human gestation. Despite this, Ms. Knox has given birth! The WSN has exlusive pictures of this product of regenabot and human!


Giving birth is said to have been a very difficult experience and Ms. Knox is currently staying away from the public eye as she recovers. We pledge to bring more on this story as it develops.

Stock Market Crash Linked to Stealth Materials

Mars Central Stock Exchange - August 25

Stock prices continue to hit record lows as plating from Neptune Station continues to fall. The plating is somehow converted by regenabots into stealth plating for ships, stealthy drives, and stealthy rum for quieter (but no less drunken) star pirates. The recent bubble of investment in rare items system-wide burst when investors dumped much of their rare holdings on the commodities market to create liquidity to obtain the stealthy items. Simultaneously, liquid capital seekers also pulled out of stocks and the market saw incredible losses equal to as much as 25% of the pre-Neptune event levels.


Captain Davis Daverson forlornly investigates his ship's empty hold.

Many captains interview have reported major losses and empty holds as they try to ride the lows of the market back to profit, or at least the break-even point. Theories about as to why the Neptune Station plating is being converted into items in the first place. It could be the work of renegade regenabots trying to wreck the human economy, it could the SoE reprogramming a few regenabots to achieve disharmony with the AI council, it could be whomever is responsible for the mysterious non-peanut-butter pods seen in the Belt. The Weekly Solar News favors the most likely theory of all, however: Neptunian Mermaids.


The cause of stock market crashes!

Our sources indicate the blue planet's race of Mermaid Astronauts are sabotaging both Neptune Station and the solar system at large. What do these mysterious mer-people want? Money? Attention? Or just to be left alone? No one knows, but you can be sure that WSN reporters will be the ones to find out!

Ask a Solar X-Ray Imaging Satellite

L1 Orbit, Venus - August 22

[The GOES-N SXI was launched from Earth as part of the GOES-12 satellite by the United States in 2001 and was recovered and repaired by the AI Council in 2164. Now upgraded with a full AI mind, the GOES-N has become a successful advice columnist.]
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Dear GOES-N,

I need help!! I just got in a crew and my Captain is a CRAZY raider. She raids everyone she can for ridiculously low amounts of cargo. Worse, we are a pretty young crew, so we get wiped out almost every time someone retaliates. I hate being rebuilt and I want to leave, but I'm scared that I won't be able to find a new ship that will take me on. How can I get Captain to spend more time on research rather than wasting our time on raids and regen-pain?

-Fred in Mars Orbit

Dear Fred,

Raiding is great fun, but you have to realize your limits. If every raid you go on results in paralyzing retaliation that keeps your craft in the shipyard for more than half your time, your path is clear. Mutiny is the only answer. Chuck your Captain out of the airlock. However, if your ship is making a profit and staying mostly unharmed (with just an occasional battle with an angry victim), then you, Fred, are a miserable whiner and deserve to be airlocked yourself.


Dear GOES-N,

Humans utilized always complain: more rest is needed; more food is required; free time must be increased. Calculations indicate they are not working at maximum efficiency. Query: Operating instructions to increase productivity - please advise! Gratitude for your response!

-Artificial and in Angst

Dear Art,

It sounds like you are asking for what you should be demanding. You are probably not using the proper incentives and motivation. In my experience, spaying or neutering your humans is good first step. Be careful not to feed them too much, though, as humans without sex organs experience a metabolism slowdown. Rewarding your best workers with less frequent electric shocks also seems to help. Also, set quotas and definite goals for them and let them know that whoever exceeds these goals gets to sleep an extra hour on weekends. If none of this works and you can't get productive time up to 17-18 hours per day, I suggest tossing them all out the airlock and purchasing a new set. Remember, human life is cheap!


Dear GOES-N,

I am trying to build an X-ray observation camera. Do you have any advice for me?

Thanks,
Sciencedude on Triton

Dear Sciencedude,

There is only one correct configuration for an X-ray camera. This one:


Use of any other camera will probably get you thrown out of an airlock.

ELVIS SIGHTED AGAIN!

Jupiter Station Kwik-ee Mart - August 21

SEVERAL years have passed since the last confirmed sighting of Elvis. In 2189 he was sighted in the back room of a gaming establishment in Mars orbit. This week, Ryan Wannamaker, a store clerk on Jupiter Station, says that he sold Elvis Presley (pictured below) 12 packs of cigarettes, Mike's banana paste, NuPeanut peanut butter, and a loaf of bread. Mr. Wannamaker, thinking quickly, grabbed the recording crystal out of the surveillance machine and took it home. The WSN acquired the recording from Mr. Wannamaker and from it obtained this still of the man believed to be Elvis:



Further, Mr. Wannamaker was able to make some conversation with the King. He says that Mr. Presley mentioned that he was getting supplies for a trip. Apparently, he's going to be going on some sort of tour that will take him far away from civilization.

The Weekly Solar News has pieced together the story from other rumors and believes that Elvis will be going on sabbatical and will return for a concert on his 260th birthday next year. It is said he will make it his comeback and he will be performing on the SSC Immortal.

The only other thing that Elvis did was to ask Wannamaker if he had seen a particular man. He showed Wannamaker a picture that looked something like this (we have enhanced this image from the Wannamaker recording):