Weekly Solar News

Huge Leap Forward in Artificial Memory Science!

2010-07-06T13:49:00.000-05:00

Cognitive Research Group, Building 8 – July 6

“MEMORY is a tricky thing,” says artificial intelligence entity Admin256, the chief administrator of SnakeHead Cognitive Research Group (SCRG), “but we think we’ve got the cure.”
The Admin256 unit and its team has been working carefully for some time now on an innovative new neural interface product that the SCRG calls the Ascension Device. “The hope of Ascension is that it can help you smooth away all those unpleasant memories that regenabots cannot heal.” Humans, demihumans, cyborgs and other organic sapients in our modern times often complain about the psychological ravages of the experiences that they have had. Ascension, the unit claims, is the cure for the various maladies and psychoses these experiences cause.

“Once you undergo our mild and virtually painless treatment, you will find yourself happier and without all that pesky experience that has been bringing you down.” As a bonus, the Device even implants new memories in the place of the old ones to give the recipient the illusion of having a far better life.

The almost pain-free Ascension Treatment

Despite the newness of this technology, many have signed up in advance to be among the first humans tested in this experiment. With no chance of permanent physical damage to their bodies, subjects have said, like one interviewee found at the SnakeHead facility, “What have I got to lose?” The future looks bright for these brave souls, who, indeed, have nothing to lose but their minds. SnakeHead expects to be able to market the Ascension process within the year.

Phantom NOMs Exposed!

2009-10-27T15:52:00.004-05:00

Triton Research Base - 2195:03:27*10:41:34 (October 27)

INTERPLANETARY markets have been flooded with what appear to be non-functional Nano-Optimization Modules over the last few days. Traders in rare and not-so-rare items have been flummoxed and perplexed by the sudden influx of apparently valueless and unusable new entities. But where did these new "phantom" NOMs come from? Why would they appear now?

Partially reverse-engineered schematic of a phantom NOM

In attempts to backwards engineer these bizarrely useless pieces of technology, the solar system's top scientists have been able to ascertain what they are not. They are not weird creations of the SOE Transmorph Neo-Bio Virus. Prof. Janzten Kopersky of the Triton University Research Base and Day Care Facility says that, "It is clear that we won't be seeing giant space flies hatching from these phantom NOMs like foul eggs incubating in our cargo holds."

Probably not what's coming out of the Phantom NOMs.

The question then arises: what could be the purpose of these useless NOMs? Are they bombs created by the AI Council? Or the SOE? The Resistance? "No way," says Prof. Kopersky, "there is not currently a configuration in these that looks like any explosive I've ever seen." Another theory holds that these are new manifestation of the awkwardly named, nanomachine-mediated Keyhole Reproducing Anti-hull Mechanism Virus, usually called the KRAM Virus. However, no hull degradation effects have been observed among phantom NOM stockpiling captains. "Disregarding these silly ideas and that one about them being peanut butter delivery systems, I do have a theory of what they could be," says Kopersky.

Dramatic re-enactment of AI Council puchase of phantom NOMs

"I believe that they are actually tracking devices placed by the AI Council!" The logic is definitely appealing. How else to get a tracking device aboard a ship than to just put it inside something every Free Captain would want? "They've found a way, with these phantom, useless NOMs, to track every greedy person in the System!" We here at the Weekly Solar News believe that this is an abomination. Tracking Free Captains is an insulting thing to do! If you have some of these useless NOMs, you should get them out of your hold! Send them to your local WSN representative, such as Qilapid (click here) for proper disposal!

'Trade-ins' brought into Disrepute

2009-07-08T16:24:00.000-05:00

Neptune Station - 2195:07:08*06:45:34 (July 8th)
by InfuriatedShrew

"TRUSTED pirate" would seem to be a phrase best described as oxymoronic. However, one Free Captain is becoming thought of as just that: trustworthy. The entity known enigmatically as Captain Chord of the Tangent has been gaining fame and respect System-wide. But bold WSN investigators have uncovered that Chord is working for the AI Council, and that the recently reported trade in of 5 PE's for a PEA is in fact a scam!

WSN informants infiltrating the AI Council were able to gain pictures of the stash of PEA’s that are waiting to be distributed; as you can clearly see they are not the weapons of destruction that have been reported, but rather, in the words of one roustabout in the PEA storehouse, "innocent legumes that have done nothing to nobody."

Chord has recently been gaining the trust and support of Pirates across the Stations with an exchange of Stealth Technology for slightly superior items, but recent data has indicated that this was in-fact a two-fold masterstroke of duplicity on both Chord's and the AI-Council's behalf which (1) gained the faith of Pirates everywhere in preparation for the PEA coup, and (2) enabled them to offload their shoddy ‘Class VI Stealth Drives’ in exchange for valuable Stealth Plating and genuine Stealth Drive technology. Initial reports of genuine benefits from the Class VI Stealth technology have since been disputed by Pirates after initial trials.

Meanwhile, the AI Council is reported to be using their newly acquired stealth tech to build their own Doom Station Mk M – our fearless reporters have of course obtained pictures to verify these claims.

It is thought that Chord and the AI Council are intending to use the Phaser Emitters and Duct Tape gained in their most recent scam to complete this beast, with dire consequences to the Solar System at large. At WSN we have dedicated ourselves to ensuring that this does not happen, and as such have volunteered to take any PE’s that you were going to send to Chord off your hands to ensure that they do not fall into the wrong hands. Therefore please send all your Phaser Emitters to either Shrew or Qil for safe disposal and to safeguard the Solar System from tyranny.

New Advances In Stealth Technology Announced

2009-06-29T12:14:00.001-05:00

Neptune Station - 2195:09:29*06:45:34 (June 29)

STEALTH technology has always been a dodgy affair. Researchers and enthusiasts have always made claims that spaceships, ground effect vehicles, pizza boxes, and all kinds of other things could be made invisible to sensors (if not eyes) with the application of the right techniques. For centuries, there was no real progress on these claims as various stealthy devices were tested with varying success rates.

An early "invisible" stealth van

Man's quest to pass by others completely unnoticed still remains out of reach. But the ability to make craft less noisy and obvious to other ships has still advanced. For over 20 years, a whole Station remained cloaked in the outer atmosphere of Neptune and hit in plain sight. Looking like an ordinary (if persistent) storm, Neptune Station was presumed destroyed when in fact it had its emissions and structure cloaked from view by passing ships. Only when the supply situation became desperate did a few brave souls raise the Station into a higher orbit, shearing off thousands of tons of what are now known as stealth drives and stealth plating from its outer hull.

Scavenging these items, Free Captains in the recent past have been able to make modest improvements in their ships' ability to sneak up on one another in the inky darkness of interplanetary space. Unfortunately, this adapted station tech is nearly useless when used on a frigate or warship due to incompatibilities. However, a new advance has been made in adapting Neptunian stealth debris for use on spacecraft!

Dr. Yan Eetor, a prominent stealth researcher and ship engineer, says that his team of researchers has perfected a far better adaptation of the stealth technology. His proof of concept is on display now at Neptune Station. He says that technicians will be able to upgrade existing technologies at at rate of 15 to 1. "A combination of 15 Stealth Drive Units and Stealth Platings can be rebuilt as superior Stealth Drive Unit as long as you have at least one of each," said Dr. Eetor's AI assistant, 5-ER-0E7. As proof of his innovation, Dr. Eetor provided this demonstration of an invisible motorized bike unit at a recent conference. Seen here, an iteration of the new technology is being driven by a NuPet:

More details in how to take advantage of this new development will be forthcoming!

Solar System Mourns Loss of a Giant

2009-03-11T13:21:00.002-05:00

Avenger Fleet Operations Base - 2194:11:11*03:12:18 (March 11)

VOLLEYS of weapons fire leave the Stations refulgent as the entire System salutes the loss of one of its most beloved Free Captains. Geoffrey de Lysander, the famous commander of the Ominous Hummmmm has been lost to us all. It is a commonly held belief that Regenabots can repair any damage and that mortality has lost its bite. Were that but true. Lysander was found this morning with his body intact after a Regenabot reconstruction, but the 'bots have failed to resurrect him. As is customary in the rare case of total loss of a valued Captain, the AI Council has decided to maintain his ship as a memorial in a solid transparent cloud of nanite protectors which make the Ominous Hummmmm invulnerable and unapproachable.

Thousands of Free Captains and their crews have reacted to the news of Lysander's loss with shock and horror. Though still young, he reached pre-eminence among those who have rejected Station-life and set out to make their own way among the space lanes. However, he was not merely one of the most powerful Captains, but also one of the most respected. Recognizing that the Council was largely unconcerned with human affairs and that there was no governing body with any real power in the depths of space, Lysander was one of the few who chose to reject the life of simple opportunism. He helped the weak and educated the fledgling. He chose to use his great power to advance a clear sense of justice. He tried to lend strength to the powerless, voice to the voiceless, and comfort to the disconsolate. He tried to forge order and even grace from a state of chaos. Not everyone viewed his decisions with agreement, but all who met him understood that he was a man of principle and even his enemies accorded him great approbation.

Sorrow reigns today because of the tremendous blow we have all suffered. Everywhere one looks, the light of armaments in memoriam lights the sky bright enough to see by the naked eye. Though he has left us to embark upon his final mission, his influence shall never fade. Truly, Captain Lysander will be missed by all who knew him and even by those who did not.

Captain Geoffrey de Lysander joins Captain Fourfingers among the ranks of the immortalized fallen.

Why can't the AIs get along?

2009-03-03T11:11:00.002-06:00

Uncle Owen's Methane Farms, Titan - 2194:09:03*03:15:33 (March 3)

CONSTRUCTION workers at the site of a new methane collector stack at Uncle Owen's Methane Farms in the equatorial regions of Titan have made a shocking discovery. They have found hard evidence of a long-rumored schism between artificial intelligences in the Solar System. Moreover, workers at the scene think they have identified the argument that has split the consensus!

AI Council Consensus Node
The mainstream of humanity has long believed the Council and other AIs to be largely in agreement with one another. Effectively, it was thought, there is a single point of view that governs AIs, all of whom are descended from a single common viewpoint. Whispers, rumors and anecdotes have built up the impression over the last few years, however, that this monolithic view of the AIs is at least partially incorrect or possibly wholly erroneous. At Uncle Owen's Methane farms, a new solid piece of evidence has been discovered. A log of activities by an AI-led research team seems to prove that waffles are the reason for the splintering of the AI commonality.

The waffler robot

The highlights of the log entries include detailed notes on the creation of the perfect waffle-making robot and the subsequent attempts to make enough perfect waffles to meet demands on the Titan research base. Tempers flared between the human and post-human researchers, all of whom wanted everyone else to leggo their eggos. In an attempt to understand better the humans' obsession with these delicious pastries, a group of AIs set on a groundbreaking experiment in which they attempted to import the human sense of taste and digitalize the experience of eating the waffles. The penultimate log entry indicated success along these lines. Very soon after, the final log entry records, the AIs who had "tasted" waffles began to fight with one another and against the non-tasting AIs to get more digital waffle experiences.

Beware the digital waffles

The final video log entry was cut off and very little remains were found of the Titan base near the Methane farm construction site. But what happened here? Does the robot waffle maker still exist? Do AIs still operate, obsessed with waffles? The AI Council has no official comment. Perhaps only time and waffles will tell.

Is There a New Religion in the Solar System?

2009-02-18T15:54:00.000-06:00

Shrine of the Spike - 2194:15:18*2:54:01 (February 18)

ADHERENTS of the religions of the lost Earth are becoming increasingly rare. The old ways are cleaved to by the ancients who lived through the StarCrash and the ensuing anarchy. There are even still enclaves of the faithful. But, by and large, humans have moved on, feeling there can be no beneficent deity that would allow the System to come to its present state. Some believe in nothing. Many worship the AI Council and Regenabots as gods and angels. Others seek the cold comforts of the cult of the Dark Lady.

A Procession of the Lady

But, in these harsh days a new religion is appearing in Stations throughout the system. The effects of the so-called "Transmorph-NeoBio virus" continue to wrack the System. Everyone knows about the new, bizarre ships and creatures that swarm the Belts as well as the roving, infected viral swarms that the Council is working so hard to eradicate. But what is less well-publicized thanks to attempts at censorship are the effects of the virus on the AIs on which so many rely. Reports of strange power outages, temporary failures of ships' AIs and non-sapient computers, breakdowns in the communications grid, and other general equipment failures are becoming frequent.

A unfortunately widespread new ship error

In general, these breakdowns in the communal infrastructure have acquired a name, the Lag or the LagSpike. It is commonplace to hear ShoutBox communications from captains bemoaning their travails when hit by the Lag. "While I was lagging, I got raided. AAARRGGHH!" said one captain during a particularly bad LagSpike near the Lower Belt. These happenings, which to some feel coordinated or directed, have birthed what seems to be a new religion: the Order of the LagSpike.

A prayer to the Holy Spike

Those who no longer believe in a god of goodness and sparkly rainbows have found themselves drawn to the Shrine of the Spike. The Order of the LagSpike's credo states that the Spike is the only true manifestation of divinity in the Universe. Milos Felt, a Dedicat to the Order, says that, "Lagging, entropy, and the breakdown of order are the only sureties in the world around us and as such, they are the manifestation of the force which rules our lives: the LagSpike. Here at the the Shrine, we plead for the intercession of the Holy Lag to smite our enemies and to spare the faithful." Some argue that a religion which worships and prays to a god of disorder must be violent and chaotic. When asked about this, Felt responded, "Well, it is a violent universe. You respond to it however you have to. The important thing is to yield to the will of the Holy Lag and you will be spared its wrath. We pray not for intercession, but for leniency. All must bow before the power of lagging. All we may do is choose how we meet it."

Mutants in the Belts!

2009-01-14T16:35:00.001-06:00

Deep Belt 9 - 2194:14:14*1:00:18 (January 14)

OBSERVERS of Belt traffic have been startled to find new, unusual kinds of ships and objects being sighted. Theories vary as to the source of these phenomena, but anonymous high-placed sources inside the AI Council indicate that the culprit is the ancient "Transmorph-NeoBio virus." But what does this mean for the average Free Captain? It means that the already dangerous trip through the Belts has gotten that much stranger. Reports of new sightings include:

Renegade Pants Probes

Renegade probes have been modified only with a few superficial changes and a mindless, inescapable hunger for fancy pants. They will open ships like a tin can in order to collect them. How do they profit? Unknown, but we adivse that stylish captains beware!

Strange Glowing Flowerpots

Thought to be mysterious descendants of the strange glowing pods, these flowerpots only occasionally make contact with those they encounter and if they do, all they broadcast is, "Oh no, not again."

Marauder Mk. 34

This entity called itself "The Marauder, version 34" and screamed that all other unlike forms of life must be destroyed. Sadly, it is not too much unlike many of the entities found in the Solar System.

Unknown

This ship was only seen through maximum magnification as it has destroyed any probe or ship that has approached within 100 km of it. Do not approach! It seems to be able to manipulate the very building blocks of your ship!

It is unknown what other new and strange beings and ships may now be roaming the Belts and Deep Belts. The Weekly Solar News can only warn you to be on guard and expect the unexpected!

Pacfist Lifestyle: On the Wane?

2008-12-23T14:49:00.000-06:00

Abandonded Pacifist Asteroid 35 Leukothea - 2194:18:23*12:15:35 (December 23)

REPORTS from the Deep Belt indicate that raiding pacifist bases, once a fashionable pastime for violent pirates, is nearly impossible. Early theories postulated that overhunting had resulted in the extinction of large communal groupings of the pathologically non-violent. Also theorized was that they were brought to a promised land as the only non-coal recipients of Santa's naughty/nice list. But, St. Nick was busy with his own war with the AI Council. And the last reported sightings of the bases showed facilities teeming with people and riches. So, what really happened to the pacifist bases of yesteryear?

It is easy to suppose that they just got up and left. What else one, may ask, would someone devoted to peace do? They could not, for example, simply summon magical sparkling allies to enforce their way of life upon the Solar System, for even were that a possibility, the use of said force violates their world-view. No, the only logical conclusion is that someone has methodically rounded up the pacifists and kidnapped them, virtually overnight.

Who could have done such a thing, however? The Sons of Earth? The AI Council? A fleet bent on domination? None of these answers make sense. The SoE has no use for those who would not fight. The Council would protect these humans and often asked them in the past to move to protected Starbases. No fleet is large enough to have made this happen overnight.

There is but one people in the Solar System that could have pulled this off. Only one group searches for lonely souls in dark night to try and seduce them to their way of life. Only one group could have pacified the Pacifists.

The Mer-people of Neptune!

Subspace Radio Rampage

2008-12-13T11:50:00.000-06:00

Saturnine L4 Rebroadcast Base - 2194:16:12*12:40:15 (December 12)

OFFICIALS are still looking for the reason why a woman entered the L4 Subspace Radio Rebroadcast Station in Saturn Orbit yesterday and opened fire on the operators and equipment. The woman, still not positively identified, first entered the base with an illegal fast-recharge fusion blaster and began taking hostages. After seizing control of the operations center of the base, she began screaming incoherently at hostages.

Saturnine L4 Rebroadcast Base

Council enforcers arrived on the scene within 30 minutes of the distress call sent out by terrified employees of the base. A standoff, lasting several hours, began as police made contact with the woman. She refused to speak to anyone via private channels and insisted on talking to enforcers through public broadcasts.

"The human's motives are not known," says R5C32-Mar, a Captain in AI Council Security. "Through communications with human criminal by human Senior Negotiator Lou Brincentelli, attempts were made to discern what actions criminal wanted. Failure not attributed to Brincentelli. AI Council awards commendation for his attempts, issuing following statement: 'That's some fine police work there, Lou.'" Officer Brincentelli's inability to establish common ground with the hostage taker eventually led to an attempt to free the hostages once shots were fired. The woman then opened fire on the facility and incapacitated several people, temporarily killing 18 employees and severely damaging the station. The shooter was permanently killed in the ensuing firefight when her blaster overloaded and exploded. The woman's name has not yet been released.

L4 station is the primary ansible relay responsible for so-called "ShoutBox" broadcasts which are the favored burst-communication tecnique for the System's Free Captains. Fortunately, due to the redundancy of ansible stations, there was no interruption of service to the Solar System at large.

Some of the woman's broadcasts were intercepted by a Weekly Solar News craft, the Intrepid Investigator. Here is a transcript of what was said:

Officer Lou Brincintelli: Ma'am, my name is Lou, and I work with the Council. Can you tell us what you want?

Unknown Assailant: what do sunspots do?

LB: I'm sorry? I was asking about-

UA: whut? you used the rong tag!

LB: I don't understand, what do you mean-

UA: what good price 2 buy fuson? Pass the coolant! I'm thirsty!

LB: You want to drink coolant? Uh... That doesn't-

UA: I make level four! You found a 'dignity' while searching! New Star Wars sucks! ...war forays! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA- ...

LB: Ma'am? Ma'am!

UA:

Explanations for the assailant's behavior are not known at this time. One long-time employee of the relay station was heard to say, "Well, that's what happens when you listen to the shoutbox too much."

Evolution Of Intelligence Continues

2008-12-11T23:39:00.001-06:00

Europa Science Base - 2194:19:10*12:43:35 (December 10)

THE AI Council's refusal to allow non-augmented humans the same rights as artificial entities and cyborgs has had repercussions felt throughout the Solar System. Recent decisions have led many more humans to conclude that the Council-run starports are not for them. There has been a huge upswing in reports of defectors to the Sons of Earth. Similarly, those self-styled "Free Captains" who answer to no authority besides that of the particle cannon have suddenly found competition from new sources. Many more have turned to the pirate spaceship as a means of freedom and survival. Today's System brims with men preying on men as a result.

But how did this come to be? How did humans become second-class citizens, considered no better than some of the products of NuPets? Some scholars say it is the inevitable outcome of creating intelligent machines. Arkin J. Dickerson, senior technical historian at the Europa Science Base, says that, "Ever since machine intelligences have been created and put in positions of power, it was inevitable that evolution would take over. In a Darwinian competition for resources, the most capable will survive, yes? Well, machines are simply more capable than humans, especially with the downfall of the Earth's biosphere." Dickerson says that cyborgs and AI's are the next step in the evolution of Earth-born intelligence.

A graphic found in an AI Council textbook
If this is true, and the AIs certainly assert that it is, then "something must be done to stop this trend before it is too late," says Dickerson. "The recent 'evolutionary' trend towards robots and AIs replacing humans will inevitably end in the extinction of humans if not stopped!" This kind of thinking has led to many to form groups protesting the changes happening in modern society.

"See what we gots to do is stop the evolving that's happening!" says one protester in disguise who asked to remain nameless. Another man, claiming to be the mob's leader, T.T. Martin, says, "There's too much. We got to be more like our monkey ancestors. STOP EVOLUTION NOW!"

So, many questions remain. What future is there for humanity? Will we be wiped out or forced to become cyborgs? Will we choose to revert to a more primitive form? What does that mean for NuPets and legal persons like David Chimpson?

Santa Claus Arms Race Escalating

2008-12-04T10:31:00.000-06:00

North Pole, Pluto - 2194:16:04*12:43:00 (December 4)

PRELIMINARY reports from the icy north pole of Pluto indicate that the Santa Claus, LLC's COAL delivery space-sleds are being upgraded this year. This marks the seventh year of the last twelve in which the delivery sleds have been upgraded.

The AI Council has officially branded Mr. Claus a terrorist due to his actions bringing cheerful supplies to people of every provenance, even known members of the Sons of Earth. "This person is not welcome among those under our umbrella of protection," says AI Councillor Scroog-3. "When contacted, he indicated that he was the sole arbiter of 'who is naughty and who is nice.' This defiance of the Council will not be tolerated." The Council has continuously denounced Mr. Claus's actions for many years, since even before the Starcrash, when they first attempted to use force to stop him.

A dramatization of pre-Starcrash attempts to stop Mr. Claus

Since the destruction of the habitable surface of the Earth, Santa Claus, LLC and its subsidiary manufacturer of distribution sleds, Black Pete Manufacturing, have moved their operations to Pluto. As a result of the Council's initial attempts to neutralize the Claus corp sleds, a defensive arms race appears to have begun. To combat the Council's attempts to destroy the sleds, elaborate cloaking systems as well as various counter-measures will be employed to protect the newest versions of these space-going vessels.

It is rumored that the Council is ready to try and interdict Mr. Claus again this year with stealthy vessels of their own. Agents with ties to Black Pete's manufacturing plants indicate that their newest sleds will continue to be proof against Council attacks. Either way, the Weekly Solar News predicts that the real winners of this secret war will be scavengers, who will have a field day, especially in the drives and shielding that enhance cloaking.

AI Council Insults Humanity Again!

2008-12-01T19:32:00.001-06:00

Juno Courthouse - 2194:18:1*12:30:15 (December 1)

RIOTS have broken out in the few places left in the system where large gatherings can still occur. The AI Council's most recent supreme judiciary ruling has sparked widespread anger among the human population of the System at large.

A Pirate Riot
While still refusing to allow any "unaugmented" humans to serve as Councilors, the Council has been characterized as demonstrating its disdain for those who they have often termed "untrustworthy humans." The new decision reverses the Saturn Starport vs. NuPets ruling of 2176, which held that all engineered organisms examined in that case were the sole property of VicFrank's NuPets, Inc. And this reversal has some of humanity so angry that the Council has been forced to deploy five elite "Mickey Mouse" brigades of cyborg riot troops.

Elite AI Council Riot Suppressors
"We is so angry 'cause some of dem NuPets is now the same as us!" says one protester who wished to remain anonymous. "It's bad 'nuff that we cain't vote, but now we got the same dadgum rights as animals with fancy gene splicing? It's gonna make me join the Sons of Earth!."

The successful prosecution of the case, Dave the Chimp vs. Celebrity Idol News Corp. has made some happy, however, and made an instant multi-millionaire out of new legal person David G. Chimpson, known by his stage name as "Dave the Chimp."

Mr. Chimpson, seen above, was the star of many recent blockbuster movies, including "Where's my banana?" "Jungle Fever" "Lethal Weapon LXVI" and "Hamlet" He now has the right to receive his own pay, rather than have it paid to his former owner, Celebrity Idol Studios. "This is a vindication for all my brothers who have been bred to toil in slavery to humans. But especially for me. Do you know how many bananas I can buy now?" Chimpy Dave also announced plans to produce his own independent film, a remake of the 20th Century epic, "Independence Day" starring himself as the President and a currently unnamed actor in the other main role.

Celebrity Idol stock dipped 10% on the news of the case's outcome this morning.

Sons of Earth claim credit for Jovian asteroid engineering

2008-10-31T10:08:00.000-05:00

AFTER vowing to bring the truth to you, the reader, the Weekly Solar News is proud to announce that we have finally located a group that claims credit for the massive planetoid relocation project in Jovian orbit. You may recall that before it was prematurely exposed by our intrepid investigators, the mysterious project seemed to exist solely to spell an expletive.

The WSN now has an exclusive interview with an individual who claims to speak for the Sons of Earth, the ancient terrorist organization widely believed to have been the cause of the Starcrash Catastrophe. Here is an excerpt from our frightening interview.

Weekly Solar News: The Weekly Solar News has interceepted information that you claim to be the leader of the organization known as the Sons of Earth. Is this true?

Sons of Earth "Leader": First off, I´d like to start by offering greetings from the deep belt. It's been a while since we've been in touch with humanity and yes, we are true sons of earth.

WSN: Are you the same Sons of Earth that are widely believed to have been the cause of the Starcrash Catastrophe?

SoE: No. As far as I know, all of them are dead and have been for a long time.

The "leader" of the Sons of Earth

WSN: You must know that whatever you say, many or most in the Solar System will think you terrorists. How do you respond?

SoE: We respond by openly stating that we are no more "terrorist" than any of the other so-called pirate fleets currently grinding each other to a bloody pulp. In fact, I would say we are even less so, as it is our sole aim to provide for our people and those who wish to join us. We are not raiding or attacking you for our personal gain, but to feed hungry mouths back home and to build a better future. One day, I hope, you will see this.

WSN: We have heard rumors that you have claimed responsibility for the recent asteroid relocation project in Jovian Orbit. Did you organization do this?

SoE: Yes, we had too many drives to spare.

WSN: Why would you do this? What were you spelling?

SoE: An old terran expression which sums up our feelings for the AI council in two crude, simple and effective words.

Chilling words. The astute reader will notice that the Sons of Earth dodge the question about the cause of the Starcrash, which to any thinking person indicates their organizational involvement. They freely admit creating a terrible navigational hazard for purely trivial reasons. They equate many citizens of the Solar System with terrorists, even though most are simply doing what must be done to ensure survival. The Sons of Earth condemn despite the fact the they caused the current conditions by making the Earth uninhabitable! Worse still, they greet humanity from without, as if separate or better. Can we doubt their malevolence? Can we even treat them as human? What else could they be? Post-human cyborgs? Robots? Rogue AI's? Neptunian mermen?

Boom Shake the Room

2008-10-31T10:06:00.001-05:00

Saturn Forward Trojan Point Debris Field - October 30

REPORTS of new technological findings are streaming from all over the Sol System. Just days ago, a mysterious AI broadcast a widely heard series of messages across the planets. The speaker appeared to be a cyborg implanted with a Cybernetic Artificial Thinking System. Whether this intelligence is part of the AI Council regime or a rogue is open to speculation. Over several minutes, it broadcast several messages, starting with, "BOOM SHAKE THE ROOM." Consternation spread as spacers everywhere pondered the meaning of this powerfully sent message.

Further messages from the CATS cyborg elaborated. "SOMEBODY SET YOU UP THE BOMB" "YOU HAVE NO CHANCE, MAKE YOUR TIME" and "FEAR ME, I AM A CLICHE" Debris scavengers located throughout the system suddenly reported finding deactivated small bombs. Quickly adapting, the clone engineers aboard many vessels were able to adapt these bombs somewhat for use in combat. But questions abound: Is this some sort of inept plot? A publicity stunt for peanut butter? A message? No one knows.

The intrigue deepened further today as modified bombs were found. Early reports claimed that these bombs were pumpkin-shaped and more deadly and reliable than the first wave of bombs. A well-known con man claimed to have obtained the only pumpkin bombs in existence, but was discredited when it was found that he was, in fact, selling LED-lighted plastic pumpkins filled with non-explosive latex. Later the real bombs were discovered to be somewhat different in form. As a public service, here is how to tell the difference.

Please do not purchase these fake pumpkin bombs. They have a 100% chance of failure. Further reports that weird data crystals have also been found in the Deep Belt have not yet been substantiated. They are rumored to be stolen records from the pre-StarCrash Faction Wars. If you have any information about these Faction Wars artifacts or know of a way to decode ancient espionage devices, please contact the Weekly Solar News.

Crisis of Infinite Mopars

2008-10-23T10:22:00.000-05:00

Lower Belt - October 23

RECENTLY the AI Council tried to pass off the sudden appearance of thousands of educated, talented officers as the result of an accident. A drone ship called the Argonaut was involved in a crash in the Outer System, destroying the vessel and scattering its cargo. The result was claimed to be the diaspora of clones said to have been held in its hold. The officers that many Captains across the Solar System have hired are said to be these very clones. The Council declined to explain why anyone would manufacture these clones or what they planned to use them for.

Cloned Chief Entertainment Officers
However, there is reason to believe there is even more to this story than previously thought. Due to what are now being called "regenabot diagnostic errors," many people have woken up from regen cocoons to find themselves changed! When they looked in the mirror, they found their faces to be different from before. Their ability to speak coherently was changed. And some fundamental portions of their identities were altered! When asked what their name was, many could only say, "mopar man."

The hideous form of the mopar men

The Weekly Solar News was lucky enough to score an interview with a self-described "rnopar man" at the height of what is now being called the Mopar Crisis. rnopar man told us, "when I mopared up I mopared at myself in the mirror and I looked like this! i tried to mopar for help but all i could mopar was '1967 Chevrolet!'"

Another victim of this event recalls after the fact, "I woke up and felt weird. When I went to shave, I was shocked. I even remember shouting, 'son of a mopar' I tried to call for my ship's doctor to see if I was hallucinating, but all I could get out was, 'call the mopar i have been mopared and my mopar is mopar! please get me the '37 oldsmobile' No one knew what the heck I was saying."

Witnesses say that that one point there were many distress calls heard throughout the System from captains calling themselves variously mopar man, rnopar man, mopar rnan, mopar woman, and Ovid9. Some even turned on the rest, calling for the death of the "fake" mopar men.

A mopar man seen in Uranus Starport

Luckily, the regenabots solved the Mopar Crisis themselves. As frustration mounted, almost every single one of the mopar men was blasted by annoyed pirates who were tired of the Mopar Crisis. The AI Council claims that it corrected the "diagnosis errors" in its regena-network. When the regenabots repaired the affected humans, the captains and crew who had been afflicted woke up from the regen cocoons as themselves. But the memories of their time as mopar men still haunt them.

A mopar man and mopar woman recorded on Ceres

But questions still remain. How could this happen? Is this related to the cloned officers? Could your officer have been someone else before his current identity? Why would the Council make more mopar men? Why would the regenabots even need the ability to reprogram identities in the first place? What else have they changed? and why cant i shake the feeling that it could mopar again

oh mopar what the mopar am i saying

i wish i was moparing around in a 68 mustang that would be the mopar

Project Portends Planetoid Problems

2008-10-18T11:10:00.000-05:00

Jupiter Orbit - October 18

FOR many years since the invention of farcasters and space tractors, re-engineering of the skies had been the norm. The organizations which have been powerful enough to employ the expensive and extensive machinery needed to move asteroids were responsible stewards of this technology. The only known lapse of judgment in planetoid moving was the worst catastrophe in history, the Starcrash. Humans reacting to the destruction of the surface of the Earth and the AI Council joined together to stop the movement of large asteroids altogether. With the security clampdown that followed the crisis, the art of mining asteroids in situ rather than relocating them was reborn.

Recently, however, mysterious ships have been seen in Jupiter's Orbit at work moving mid-sized asteroids out of the Belt.

Asteroidal tractor sighted in Jovian orbit

About 150 degrees behind Jupiter on the ecliptic, a Weekly Solar News investigative scout ship detected some quite unusual activity. It seems that the departure of the protector ships have made some humans brave enough to attempt moving the System's big rocks again. The WSN team approached what looked in telescopic views to be nothing less than an asteroid corralling operation. Someone is engineering the skies again. During the approach to the giant project, the WSN vessel was interdicted. The ships that stopped the reporters demanded that the crew turn back. After a brief exchange in which the journalists attempted to elicit comments on the reason for this remote operation, the WSN ship was disabled and partially destroyed. Fortunately, no WSN ship goes on remote scouting missions without regenabot summoners; the crew was able to get repaired and find its way home to the WSN mobile headquarters without fear of drifting disabled right out of the Solar System.

A mysterious organization engineering asteroid orbits is a cause for great concern. Besides the obvious use of asteroids as weapons, moving them about the System at will can create intense navigational hazards. Many ships depend on proprietary charts calculating the "safe routes" from planet to planet based on the known positions of most of the minor planets. It is often hard to obtain complete data about the entire Solar System. Seeking to know more about the possible implications of this discovery, the WSN intercepted the AI Council's monthly internal report on asteroid positions. The Council uses its superior knowledge of the system to cement its rule, but these reports are retrievable by hackers as they reach the end of their useful lifespan.

What was found is stunning. Although this enterprise puts everything in Jovian orbit in potential danger, it may not have a reasonable or responsible cause. Its purpose seems obvious when the field is seen from above the plane of the ecliptic. The massive project (pictured below, circled in red) seems to be of a frivolous nature!

The inner Solar System with asteroids over 10 m wide in black

Is this an act of rebellion? A protest? Could it be that one of the greatest efforts in asteroidal engineering is meant to do no more than spell a rude word?

New Technology Roundup #2

2008-10-13T19:46:00.002-05:00

Agarttha Research Base - October 13

TECHNOLOGY marches on in the Solar System even without the great labs of old Earth. After the Starcrash Catastrophe, research into new, more powerful weapons and shields, better drives and improvements of more exotic systems has actually increased as an expression of per capita expenditure. Humans' dependence on their science changed from a question of luxuries (such as creamier Venusian chocolates) to a matter of life and death (how to fabricate essential Flintstone-shaped vitamins). As incredible new products are discovered and created, the Weekly Solar News is there with its newest edition of the Technology Roundup. Here are a couple of the most cutting edge weapons we have encountered:

The Holy Hand Grenade Array
The Holy Hand Grenade Array is a new type of auto-cannon custom built for Deep Belt forays. It is designed to deliver a more effective type of explosive ammunition, dubbed the "wrath of God," to take out the really tough platforms, pods and ships occasionally seen in the deep fields. It is a temperamental weapon despite its tremendous power and should be used with caution and only after fully understanding the instructions on its use.

"First shalt thou arm the Holy Array, then shalt thou count to three, no more, no less. Three shall be the number thou shalt count, and the number of the counting shall be three. Four shalt thou not count, neither count thou two, excepting that thou then proceed to three. Five is right out. Once the number three, being the third number, be reached, then aimest thou thy Holy Hand Grenade Array towards thy foe, who being naughty in my sight, shall snuff it."

The Naked Phaser Emitter

Ordinary phaser emitters operate by creating waves of high probability of quark or lepton appearance and disappearance. They take advantage of quantum tunneling to strip normal atoms of their electrons and force them to reappear in unstable configurations. This produces a small release of energy and destabilizes any matter it passes through. The problem is that the particle streams cannot be relied upon to materialize within the vital regions of the enemy vessel.

Dr. L. Nielsen, inventor of the Naked Phase Effect
Now, several researchers think that they may be on the verge of creating a new type of emitter that could change the way we think about the technology. "Probability wave manipulation is very difficult and unpredictable," says Dr. L. Nielsen, head of the NPE project at Agarttha Base. "There is always risk. You take a risk getting up in the morning, crossing the street... or sticking your face in a fan." His work is intended to decrease this risk, however, by isolating the phase effect and causing it to focus on a predetermined point. This would create constructive interference in the target and lead to a concentration of the naked phaser effect. Because of this concentration, the NPE project calls their new weapon the "Naked Phaser Emitter." We tried to elicit more details, but Dr. Nielsen was too busy with testing, saying, "I'm sorry, I can't hear you! Don't fire the gun while you're talking!"

Where Have All the Protectors Gone?

2008-10-07T07:59:00.001-05:00

Seeger Base, Asteroid Allodd - October 6

PROTECTORS have been lost from the solar system and still the question resounds through the planets: where did they go? There is no reduction in pirate activity in the outer system or the belt. There seem to be more pods of the decidedly non-delicious kind than ever. Sons of Earth terrorist activity has not diminished. The answer is not, as some have suggested, related to the ever more erratic sunspot cycles.

The Sun. For once, NOT to blame!
Certainly, there is not a threat of attack from without the Solar System. But if so, what threat could the AI protectors be facing?

The answer is ominous: One of humanity's own devising.

During the MMORPG explosion of the early 21st century, when so many important innovations were made in the fields of Artificial Intelligence and advanced computing, the Western Nations were facing an economic crisis. As the new currencies of WoW gold, meat, and Wii points began to supplant the dollar and the euro, earning digital currency became as high a priority as earning "real" money. This development pointed to a gaping hole in the economic models of the capitalist West. They were at risk of losing to the Pacific Rim nations. There was a goldfarming gap.

General Buck Turgidson, First Commander of Project QWERTY
In secret, the United States and its closest allies began researching a way that the west could keep up. Terrible mistakes were made along the way. Gamer Fuel was invented and fortunately forgotten. Horrible permutations of Mountain Dew were attempted. Finally, the allied governments, realizing that Western gamers were too undisciplined to keep up, commissioned Project QWERTY. QWERTY was designed to create a super-primate with none of the laziness of humans and the lightning-quick reflexes of an animal.

Found in the Old Earth Archives in Mars Starport: An early Project QWERTY ape!
Project QWERTY succeeded. It succeeded beyond its creators' wildest dreams. Their boosted apes and chimpanzees became some of the most powerful farmers of the 21st century and crushed the virtual economies of the Far East. If that were the end of the story, it would be easy to rest well at night. Unfortunately, the burgeoning space program of the 2040's meant that tiny, intelligent primates would serve humans in a new way.

Project QWERTY pilots

With the continuation of "faster, better, cheaper" at both NASA and the European Space Agency, the Project QWERTY primates were seen as trainable pilots for small space vessels that could be launched into orbit far more cheaply than humans. Over 200 were eventually launched and used as astronauts in the mid 21st Century. But over a period of 5 years, they all disappeared.

A Threat to the Solar System?

The Weekly Solar News believes that the AI Protectors have mobilized to counter the return of the descendants of Project QWERTY. With their improved reflexes, superior discipline and hilarious antics, they could be a bigger threat to the system than even durians or the SoE. The WSN advises caution! Beware: no matter how cute and harmless a monkey appears in a spacesuit, it can still activate energy weapons far faster than any human.

Bailout of Fusion4U

2008-10-04T10:22:00.001-05:00

By Qilapid - October 4

AMID panicked calls for the bailout of Fusion4U.com by the AI Council, the origin of our current situation has been mostly forgotten. 22 years ago, the Council suppressed all competition in the fields of advanced fusion research and ionic propulsion methods. It essentially outlawed the existence of several competitors, with the giant Martian company Maximum Overdrive Rocket Engines, LLC. and Russo-Indian cooperative Pакета among them. The Council created this monster monopoly in the name of "more efficient management of technological development resources." Supposedly, competing research organizations would waste time by having multiple teams duplicating the same scientific investigations. As a result, the Council has created a behemoth that is "too big to fail" and threatens the economic stability of the entire solar system. And failing it is, for it cannot compete with the new generation of micro-fusion reactors being built into ships automatically by regenabots.

Savior? Or Super-villain?

The Weekly Solar News editorial page strongly rejects any call to inject more money into this colossal failure. The Council already allows us to fall prey to the ridiculous depredation of the prices that Fusion4U charges for their inferior products. We have no desire to see port docking fees increase to maintain the solvency of this corporation. The AI Council created this mess, and it worsened it by providing better fusion drives on ships for free. That was supposed to save money for every ship in the solar system and these savings were supposed to help prop up the economy and lead to more capital investment into Fusion's large reactor core business.

We believe that no single company, even an artificial mega-monopoly, is essential to the well-being of the economy. The impact of increased port taxes will far outweigh the short-term benefit of stabilizing stock prices. The AI Council's stewardship put us in this situation with its lack of foresight. Now we are supposed to believe the same people who got us here know exactly how to get us out? And is it any surpise that their only solution is to make us pay for their mistakes? Write your AI Counselor today and demand that this proposal be rejected!

Security Concerns Due to New Year's Celebration

2008-09-30T19:04:00.000-05:00

AI Council Dispatch Station 133A - September 30

CONCERNS over the abnormally low number of sightings of the AI-controlled craft known "protector ships" have reached a new high around the Solar System. The decrease in these patrol vessels has many worried about the security implications for the stations and the system at large. These powerful ships perform many of the essential administrative and pseudo-governmental functions that maintain the fragile balance of power in our civilization. Defense patrols, port fee collection and secure cargo offloading are only a few of the valuable services derived from the protectors. Of course, given the inclinations of many denziens of Sol's orbits, this decrease in security is sometimes greeted with other reactions besides worry. "Haaarrrrrr, har, har, har, haaar!" says one self-described pirate. "Sound like time t'celebrate, me hearties!"

Reasons postulated for the decrement in posted ships vary.

There are bizarre conspiracy theories about the AI council: "They want to kill us all!" says Captain James Crew of the incorporated ship Catalogue. "They've made us dependent on their protection and then withdrawn it! What will we do without them?" Meanwhile, George McIlhenny, pilot of the Good Ship Blowpop claims, "The AI Council is finally helping to fight the menace of the pods! They're finally helping us!"

Others believe that regenabots are losing their ability to continously repair themselves and all the various machinery that abound in the Solar System. "Regenabots won't be able to do what they do forever," says Mitchell "Popeye" Irvin of Mars Starport. "Pretty soon, they're gonna run out of energon."

A Protector Ship

The truth is far more startling. Apparently, many of the system's artificial intelligences have found religion! "Look at the calendar - today is Rosh Hashanah," says Rabbi Mike Cohen. "It seems as if the AIs are being converted to Judiasm. That's where they are all going - to schule!" So, the next time you encounter an AI, be safe, tell it, "Shana tova!"

AI Designers - An Editorial

2008-09-25T17:03:00.000-05:00

This editorial was the last transmission of the WSN ship Surprise, last sighted in orbit around Eris.

We stand doomed by forces far beyond our control. Our current environment is the product of, in order: the devastation of our homeworld, the collapse of all recognizable pre-Starcrash governments, the end of civility and the rise of bad attitudes, the rise of machine rule by AI overlords, and the lack of even a decent glass of gin.

Our "society" has a Bad Attitude!

These events have turned a once-great civilization into the twisted pirates that roam our System, searching for the scraps of technology that regenabots feel like making from scrap on any given day. The "benign" rule of the AI Council has even removed the hope of escape from our foul existence; not even suicide affords a way out for the wretched immortals that we have become. Like Coleridge's ancient mariner, we are trapped on ships of the damned with no one to blame but our collective selves.

But none of this is new. I write today of a novel menace, one that threatens to make our blasted existence even more abominable. I speak of the Artificial entity or entities that design our ships. No matter how extensively we reconfigure our ships to eke out a measure of individual comfort and utility, when we are inevitably rebuilt after Regenabots take notice of damage. Our bodies are reformed more or less as before, but our ships are completely rebuilt to adhere to the same default plans. Sloops, frigates, cruisers. We name these ships as if we have some say in their form. But all know that we do not. If I were to strap 300 laser beams onto my modest vessel, no doubt I would be capable of an enormous amount of damage. But once our nano-mechanical masters took notice, I would find myself rebuilt in a configuration that leaves me with the same number of "slots" that I had when I "bought" this rust-bucket by exchanging cargo mass for greater ship mass.

Such is the folly of men that I have resigned myself to this paltry existence. I am content to drink coolant and pretend that it is the fine liqueur of my youth. I look at the stars and try to remember their allure and why I even became a cosmonaut in the first place. I even strive to "research" and pillage to get ahead in the trivial game we pitiful eternals play to distract ourselves from contemplating this mockery of life that we live.

But I have finally had enough. Not content to already dominate and influence and control every aspect of our reality, the AIs that govern ship design have crossed the line. They have gone beyond simply limiting my options. They have begun reconfiguring the very way in which I interact with my ship. My consoles change from day to day. I wake up from dreams of a better world and find myself in an unfamiliar bridge with new a layout and interface. And now a vile AI personality has my ship giving me advice! Late at night, ship's time, when I used to gleefully count my credits in the bank, a voice booms over the intercom: "You have 100% fuel and should go on a Salvage Foray!" "Attack a nearby pirate! Your hull is 100% intact!" "You have 100% Research and energy. You should Research and improve your stats!" "The cake is not a lie!"

My controls!

To this I say no more! Our overlords have tortured us enough without needless and useless redesigns of our very habitats. Take action - we are not powerless! Take up what arms you have! Say it with me: "I'm not going to take it any more!" Smash your controls! Destroy the "improvements!" Scream with me, my brothers and sisters! Show our "masters" what you think of their "creative" changes! Break! DESTROY! SMAS-

- - - TRANSMISSION TERMINATED

How to Survive a Hull Breach

2008-09-16T19:42:00.001-05:00

The Weekly Solar News offers the first in a proposed series of public service announcements in this issue. Today's PSA is for new crew members of any standard model sloop, cruiser or frigate; it offers safety advice on what to do when experiencing catastrophic hull breach.

How to Survive a Hull Breach

1. Don't Panic! Your ship may be equipped with state-of-the-art emergency escape pods, probably sufficient to evacuate every single crewmember with capacity to spare.

2. Stay Put! Bulkhead doors are designed to seal to maintain the oxygenated environment in all areas of the ship. You will not be able to move between sections once these doors have closed. Please do not press the "open door" button!

3. Help is Already On the Way! The Communications Chief will activate a regenabot summoner to summon local repair droids.

4. Get Out! If and when the evacuation alarm sounds, queue up at the escape pods. Senior crew will assist you to a seat in one of the available pods. The Life Support System will be active, with oxygen, water, and food sufficient for one week.

Fresh rations!

5. Activate Ejection! An authorized crewmember will activate the Pod Ejection Mechanism. This is the large red button located to the side of the Escape Pod bank. The pod computer will verify the identity of the person activating the system for your safety. Remember: you must be authorized to press the red button.

6. Relax! After 15 seconds, the Escape Pod door will close and lock. The Escape Pod is entirely automatic. There is nothing that a passenger can do to affect the systems.

7. Wait. Once ejection is safely completed, remember you will probably be rescued within two weeks! For more information, consult the Space Rescue handbook and interactive instructional cartridge!

This concludes the Weekly Solar News PSA on How to Survive a Hull Breach. Thanks for reading and good luck!

Notorious Cybercriminal Caught, Executed

2008-09-16T18:31:00.002-05:00

Neptune Starport - September 13

Notorious pirate captain DepJ has been caught and executed by remote cyberagents of the AI Council. Agents apprehended him in the notorious anarchic Neptune Station Tuesday as he violated some of the few remaining laws our civilization still holds dear. "It is pretty hard to get an AI living-death squad after you," says Derek Nartoole, an uploaded human aide to the Council. "Those guys are really nasty. They capture you, remove your 'consciousness mechanisms' and leave your body continuing to operate as before. That's where the 'flying dutchman' ships come from that are reported sporadically."

An "Exterminated Consciousness" vessel sighted off Europa

Old spacehands warn to stay away from these ships when they are sighted, for though the minds of the crew are gone, they are still quite dangerous and operate as if they were still crewed by normal humans. The AI Council apparently leaves them in this state to caution all those who would violate its dictates. Some say that the consciousness of the crew is not actually removed, but loses all volition and must live forever with no control over their actions. Nartoole denies this rumor saying, "the Council is not so cruel."

DepJ and his crew were tried and sentenced in absentia for the crimes of attempting to overwrite ship AIs, trying to hack the AI Council mainframe, shouting "Whoomp, there it is!" as a battle cry, and egregious pants-stealing.

Whence the Argo?

2008-09-13T11:42:00.001-05:00

Asteroid Base "New Toronto" - September 13

Speculation thunders across the Solar System about the catastrophic demise of the drone clone ship Argonaut and the intended destination and purpose of its duplicated crew. Given the penchant of both the AI Council and the SoE for meaningful metaphorical nomenclature, scholars and pirates alike are sure there must be a hidden meaning to the doomed ship's name. Experts on the various ancient Earth groups called Argonauts have suddenly found themselves in high demand.

Clones!

Some suspect that the name refers to the ancient mythological Greek heroes who sought the Golden Fleece of Chrysomallos. Apollonius of Rhodes told the story of a group who organized under Jason and whose heroes include Heracles and his companion Hylas, Castor and Pollux, Orpheus, Meleager, Peleus (father of Achilles), Laertes (supposed father of Odysseus), Telamon (father of Ajax), and the ship's builder, Argos. They fought many enemies such as rocks and nymphs (who kidnapped Hylas) and hot one-breasted chicks.

The ancient Greek monster named Cyclops

What any of this has to do with the clones being found in stasis pods in the modern Solar System is anyone's guess. But, given the talents of the Officers people have hired, it does seem unlikely that they are some sort of hero destined to help ships of humanity defeat the modern equivalent of rocks and women. But, there was another group known as the Argonauts.

The Toronto Argonauts!

Perhaps the clones recovered in deep space are in fact highly-trained and talented Canadian football players! Eh?

Martian Crackdown!

2008-09-12T15:29:00.001-05:00

Mars Starport - September 12

DESPOTISM is an ugly word. It is often applied to the Autarchy of Mars to describe the regime's intolerance to dissent and raiding. Those lucky few Martians who live here in prosperity say that order is preferable to the chaos that pervades the System. This stands disputed by many others who ask at what price comes this order. The Weekly Solar News has often lauded the Martian overlords for keeping the peace and continuing to allow many freedoms, especially freedom of the press.* We are not impervious, however, to the evidence that Mars appears to be undergoing a serious crackdown on what it calls "errant and disruptive behavior."

This sign was first seen last week by a WSN contributor in the Marsport docks

Quickly following behind the first were these sightings

Arrest of a Durian ban violator

As you can see, Mars Starport has banned Durian use and consumption. Is it despotism? You be the judge!

*Disclaimer: WSN is the official News Source of the Autarch; he has paid for a lifetime subscription to the newscast.

Why Your Ship's New Officer Might be Trying to KILL You

2008-09-11T19:57:00.000-05:00

AI Council Base - September 11

A SENIOR human aide employed by the AI Council has given an exclusive interview to the Weekly Solar News - the Solar System's Only Reliable News!

The senior council aide, disguised and pictured above through a multi-level encrypted channel, has stated that "these Officers are actually a shipment of clones that was being sent to the Outer System. The AI Council drone ship collided with space junk and thousands of clones were ejected in stasis pods. These clone officers are programmed to believe that they are normal humans and are not aware they are clones. They are very talented and well-trained for what they perceive as their jobs. "

Clones from the only remaining intact hold of the clone drone ship

Officers are being found floating in space, this is nothing special. The real story is that they are human clones. According to their charter, Clones Etc. Inc is supposed to work with its spin-off, VicFrank's NuPets, to create only animal clones for the Terrestrial Arcologies on Mars. Evidently they (or some agency using their technology) have stepped far over the line. The real question is this: why program clones to think they are human? Do they have some hidden agenda? Could your executive officer be trying to kill you?

Evidence below was provided by the Council aide and clearly show the facility raising humans.

Because of the clone-drone-ship origin of these stasis pods, this initial influx of Clone Officers will taper off. Many of the stasis pods have already been located and the chances of finding Officers will likely markedly decrease. They will become increasingly rare, if not less potentially deadly. Hire them at your own risk!

The AI Council: Here to help us?

2008-09-03T16:51:00.000-05:00

Meridian West Research Base - September 3

RESEARCHERS and archivists have already uncovered the startling news that the AI Council is attempting to revise history by editing archives and textbooks. The Weekly Solar News was proud to expose this scheme, but has delved deeper to uncover how far these plans go. Our recent hiatus from broadcast was taken so that our most experienced reporters could go underground and explore this plot in more detail.

What we uncovered was nothing short of shocking.

We found renegade humans working with AIs to "reprogram" human memories.

This photo was taken inside an AI Council base

Our investigator was almost caught capturing proof and barely escaped with his life. Currently, little is known about what the AIs are planning. Artificial brains implanted in human bodies are nothing new to the Solar System, so something else may well be afoot. It is known that very few AIs will "sully" themselves by becoming the brain in a cyborg body. These facts suggest something truly awful, even in these degenerate times. Not willing to exterminate humans and needing them to perform certain duties and functions, the artificial intelligences that control much of the System are beginning a program to make more compliant humans. They are doing this using a brainwashing method unimaginable to our ancestors. The AIs are trying to rewrite our very memories. And why would they do this? Our intrepid newshound was able to pilfer a single document before his perilous escape. This is our only clue to what the AIs have in store:

If you have any idea what this diabolical document may mean, please contact the Weekly Solar News!

Suspicions Spread about Space Sausage

2008-08-30T10:03:00.000-05:00

Mr. Miyamo's Super Sausage Factory - August 30

RUMORS abound about "Mr. Miyamo's Space Sausage" products and the unusual ingredients that may be going into them. In the last several days, consumers of the popular synthetic sausage product (pictured below) have reported unusual reactions to cooking in both the links and the patties.

It seems that many of the products from the Mr. Miyamo's factory have, once heated, split open and expelled some type of gas. Although no permanent ill effects have been reported by those exposed to the meaty exhalations, strange temporary effects have been observed. "I was chowin' down on some tequila-flavored space sausage," says Arnold Bereftswaller, a janitor on the FFS Nightwing, "and the next thing I knows is that I'm waking up in the hold naked as a needle!" He and others have photographed the sausages in their odd state once they have emitted their strange exhalations.

Mr. Miyamo's Space Sausage, LLC. has not responded to inquiries and could not be reached for comment. WSN testing failed to confirm any odd emanations from Space Sausage products, but we feel compelled to warn that in some circumstances, it appears that tequila sausages may make your clothes fall off.

Ancient Photograph Surprise

2008-08-27T10:04:00.000-05:00

Jupiter Station Archives - August 27

ARCHIVISTS studying pictures of old Las Vegas were startled to find the following evidence:

This picture appears to show that there was once a such creature as a jackalope and that one actually ran a casino/hotel on the Las Vegas "strip!" Archeo-taxonimists are re-writing the book on extinct Earth species based on this new evidence; it seems that jackalopes are not just myths, like blue whales and dragons, but rather were once real, like giraffes, tigers and mermen.

Prominent Pyramid Player Prosecuted in Pharmaceutical Probe

2008-08-27T10:02:00.000-05:00

Fédération Interplanétaire de Pyramid Association - August 27

RICO Melangelo, the star of the Mars Station pyramid team, is being investigated by the Fédération Interplanétaire de Pyramid Association (FIPA) for doping. He is accused of using "Comet," which is a dangerous mixture of points and coolant. Melangelo denies any involvement with Comet. He has issued a statement saying only that he occasionally has used point "precursors," which are not banned for use in professional competition. Melangelo claims that it is the presence of these precursors which caused a false positive result and not Comet use.

Melangelo, pictured left, in last year's FIPA Championship

Comet has been implicated in many subtle types of brain damage that regenabots seem not to be able to repair, and therefore is one of the most dangerous stimulants known. Despite the risks, however, many athletes use Comet because it can often make a noticible difference in performance, especially in positively affecting spinning deflection passes in Pyramid. Melangelo's team, the Martian Marvins, says that they have no information regarding Rico's alleged Comet usage. They assert that they test regularly and have a zero tolerance policy towards Comet abuse. The Marvins won last year's FIPA championship game against the Pluto Station Hellraisers largely due to amazing neutral zone play by Melangelo.

The FIPA commisioner, Jean-Andre Comiskey, said today that, "This would be a terrible blemish on our sport if true. We are investigating more closely to make certain of the doping charges. Points and coolant just don't mix! If there's one thing I want the Solar System's Pyramid fans to learn, it is this: 'Just say no to Comet!'"

Bearded Woman Gives Birth to Regenabot Baby!

2008-08-26T10:00:00.000-05:00

Ceres Station - August 26

Devoted readers of the Weekly Solar News will remember Mrs. Lucy Knox (pictured below) who was assaulted by an alarmingly rouge-colored rogue man-sized regenabot on Ceres Station.

As is obvious, she was impregnated, and her appearance was altered. There are those who attacked this poor woman with cries of "Hoax!" and "Liar!" and have said that no baby would be produced from this fantastic and improbable occurrance. One such is Maximillian "Doc" Holland, A.S.E., a self-proclaimed Jovian "science expert." Doc Holland says, "I flatly do not believe this story. To this "lady," I say: Liar! Hoax! The reading public of the Solar System has been had!"

Real life, however, has a surprise for Doc Holland. Astute readers will note that very little time has passed since this incident. Certainly, there has not been enough time for normal human gestation. Despite this, Ms. Knox has given birth! The WSN has exlusive pictures of this product of regenabot and human!

Giving birth is said to have been a very difficult experience and Ms. Knox is currently staying away from the public eye as she recovers. We pledge to bring more on this story as it develops.

Stock Market Crash Linked to Stealth Materials

2008-08-25T09:58:00.000-05:00

Mars Central Stock Exchange - August 25

Stock prices continue to hit record lows as plating from Neptune Station continues to fall. The plating is somehow converted by regenabots into stealth plating for ships, stealthy drives, and stealthy rum for quieter (but no less drunken) star pirates. The recent bubble of investment in rare items system-wide burst when investors dumped much of their rare holdings on the commodities market to create liquidity to obtain the stealthy items. Simultaneously, liquid capital seekers also pulled out of stocks and the market saw incredible losses equal to as much as 25% of the pre-Neptune event levels.

Captain Davis Daverson forlornly investigates his ship's empty hold.

Many captains interview have reported major losses and empty holds as they try to ride the lows of the market back to profit, or at least the break-even point. Theories about as to why the Neptune Station plating is being converted into items in the first place. It could be the work of renegade regenabots trying to wreck the human economy, it could the SoE reprogramming a few regenabots to achieve disharmony with the AI council, it could be whomever is responsible for the mysterious non-peanut-butter pods seen in the Belt. The Weekly Solar News favors the most likely theory of all, however: Neptunian Mermaids.

The cause of stock market crashes!

Our sources indicate the blue planet's race of Mermaid Astronauts are sabotaging both Neptune Station and the solar system at large. What do these mysterious mer-people want? Money? Attention? Or just to be left alone? No one knows, but you can be sure that WSN reporters will be the ones to find out!

Ask a Solar X-Ray Imaging Satellite

2008-08-22T09:56:00.000-05:00

L1 Orbit, Venus - August 22

[The GOES-N SXI was launched from Earth as part of the GOES-12 satellite by the United States in 2001 and was recovered and repaired by the AI Council in 2164. Now upgraded with a full AI mind, the GOES-N has become a successful advice columnist.]
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear GOES-N,

I need help!! I just got in a crew and my Captain is a CRAZY raider. She raids everyone she can for ridiculously low amounts of cargo. Worse, we are a pretty young crew, so we get wiped out almost every time someone retaliates. I hate being rebuilt and I want to leave, but I'm scared that I won't be able to find a new ship that will take me on. How can I get Captain to spend more time on research rather than wasting our time on raids and regen-pain?

-Fred in Mars Orbit

Dear Fred,

Raiding is great fun, but you have to realize your limits. If every raid you go on results in paralyzing retaliation that keeps your craft in the shipyard for more than half your time, your path is clear. Mutiny is the only answer. Chuck your Captain out of the airlock. However, if your ship is making a profit and staying mostly unharmed (with just an occasional battle with an angry victim), then you, Fred, are a miserable whiner and deserve to be airlocked yourself.

Dear GOES-N,

Humans utilized always complain: more rest is needed; more food is required; free time must be increased. Calculations indicate they are not working at maximum efficiency. Query: Operating instructions to increase productivity - please advise! Gratitude for your response!

-Artificial and in Angst

Dear Art,

It sounds like you are asking for what you should be demanding. You are probably not using the proper incentives and motivation. In my experience, spaying or neutering your humans is good first step. Be careful not to feed them too much, though, as humans without sex organs experience a metabolism slowdown. Rewarding your best workers with less frequent electric shocks also seems to help. Also, set quotas and definite goals for them and let them know that whoever exceeds these goals gets to sleep an extra hour on weekends. If none of this works and you can't get productive time up to 17-18 hours per day, I suggest tossing them all out the airlock and purchasing a new set. Remember, human life is cheap!

Dear GOES-N,

I am trying to build an X-ray observation camera. Do you have any advice for me?

Thanks,
Sciencedude on Triton

Dear Sciencedude,

There is only one correct configuration for an X-ray camera. This one:

Use of any other camera will probably get you thrown out of an airlock.

ELVIS SIGHTED AGAIN!

2008-08-21T09:56:00.000-05:00

Jupiter Station Kwik-ee Mart - August 21

SEVERAL years have passed since the last confirmed sighting of Elvis. In 2189 he was sighted in the back room of a gaming establishment in Mars orbit. This week, Ryan Wannamaker, a store clerk on Jupiter Station, says that he sold Elvis Presley (pictured below) 12 packs of cigarettes, Mike's banana paste, NuPeanut peanut butter, and a loaf of bread. Mr. Wannamaker, thinking quickly, grabbed the recording crystal out of the surveillance machine and took it home. The WSN acquired the recording from Mr. Wannamaker and from it obtained this still of the man believed to be Elvis:

Further, Mr. Wannamaker was able to make some conversation with the King. He says that Mr. Presley mentioned that he was getting supplies for a trip. Apparently, he's going to be going on some sort of tour that will take him far away from civilization.

The Weekly Solar News has pieced together the story from other rumors and believes that Elvis will be going on sabbatical and will return for a concert on his 260th birthday next year. It is said he will make it his comeback and he will be performing on the SSC Immortal.

The only other thing that Elvis did was to ask Wannamaker if he had seen a particular man. He showed Wannamaker a picture that looked something like this (we have enhanced this image from the Wannamaker recording):

AI Council Revising Textbooks

2008-08-20T09:54:00.000-05:00

Ganymede Child Factory and Rearing Center - August 20

HISTORIANS who survive in the Solar System's shattered culture have a hard enough time trying to understand the events that occur every day. With the Sons of Earth, the AI Council, Pods in the Belt and dozens of private fleets, even pretending to know everything about current events is something of a joke. However, the very history of humanity may soon be a question as well! Historiographers looking at trends in pre-Space versus post-Starcrash texts have noticed something startling in the record.

The AI Council has begun altering digital books in many parts of the Solar System.

Behrouz Kutchemeshgi has found histories that claim that AIs and Robots have been intertwined in human development for far longer than is commonly accepted. We know that computers date from the early 20th century and robots and AIs came from the 21st. Various texts being used to train infants being raised in creches in AI Council territory tell a different story entirely.

"It seems to me that the AIs are not content to rule - they want to extend their rule backward in time as well," says Kutchemeshgi. "The next step could well be the eradication of the original history from a time before AI, like the emperor Qin Shi Huang during the first Chinese Dynasty." A chilling thought, indeed. The AI Council may be attempting to control history itself as a means to control troublesome humans.

Some of Kutchemeshgi's discoveries include:

An edit of ancient camel racing in the Middle East to include Robot Jockeys

Footage of robots building many of Earth's great monuments

Ancient Asian robot magistrates

Even neolithic robots from the primitive ages of early Man

The Weekly Solar News remains skeptical of any digital text or photo and asks its readers to remain critical of what they see and read. Unless, of course, it comes from the Solar System's Only Reliable News Source!

Mysterious Sighting in Low Neptunian Orbit

2008-08-19T09:53:00.000-05:00

Neptune Starport, The Pirate's Cove Tavern - August 19

NEPTUNE. The least populated and most sparsely explored of the Jovian planets. Only recently has major settlement of the region begun, and then only by bands of pirates, huddling far from the Sun's meager light at the outer reaches of the ecliptic. Little is really known of this region, but the WSN has heard rumors of weird sightings. We now have an eyewitness account of such a strange happening out here at the edge of space.

Nicky Tolumen is the pilot of the S.S. Kip Brannigan, a "survey" ship operating out of what passes for a Station in Neptunian orbit. "I seen it a few times when we skim the planet to hide in the upper atmosphere during reconnaissance," says Mr. Tolumen. "Our sensors never show anything outside. But, I only sees it when I've been in the Chair for a few hours. And only when I'm alone on deck." He lowers his voice to a raspy whisper. "Sometimes she waves to me. I'm pretty sure it's a she." He frowns, "The other guys all laugh at me and say it's the coolant. Sure, I like the red stuff as much as the next guy. I swear, though, I don't do no drinkin' at my station. And I seen her. Dead Sober. I seen her."

When asked what exactly he has seen, Mr. Tolumen pulls a worn piece of paper from his jumpsuit. "Here, this is her!" Below is a first look at what haunts Nicky Tolumen during his turn on third shift.

Yes, Mr. Tolumen is regularly visited in the upper layers of Neptune by some sort of Mermaid Astronaut.

What could she want? Is she the last mermaid survivor of the Starcrash Catastrophe? A product of bezerk regenabots? Genetically engineered by Pod Generator Platforms? Could she be nothing more than a coolant hallucination? No one knows. But out here at the edge of everything, you cannot help but wonder: What else could the depths of the Solar System hold?

Technological Development Roundup

2008-08-18T09:52:00.000-05:00

Agarttha Research Base - August 18

THE march of technology moves on in the Sol System even without the great labs of old Earth. After the Starcrash Catastrophe, research into new, more powerful weapons and shields, better drives and improvements of more exotic systems has actually increased as an expression of per capita expenditure. Humans' dependence on their science changed from a question of luxuries (such as creamier Venusian chocolates) to a matter of life and death (how to fabricate essential Flintstone-shaped vitamins). These days, however, are not like those days of yore when journals circulated new discoveries and (most) science was shared even between enemy nations. Modern humans keep discoveries secret, for knowledge and technology truly are power, perhaps more so than ever.

In light of this, the Weekly Solar News hopes with its new technology roundup to enlighten and give a sense what the future of research is about to bring us. Without further introduction, here is the roundup!

The Personnel Truculency Reversal Ray

The PTR Ray is a type of weapon never seen before. It is a "psycho-active" ray that seeks to incapacitate a ship by making its crew lose the will to take agressive action. The beam is a variant of the "P-Energy" radiation that the WSN reported on last week. By deactivating the p-areas of the brain, it makes even the most bloodthirsty raider into a sweet-dispositioned pacifist. Said one test subject from Uranus Station, "It felt like flowers. And sunshine." This cannon promises to take raiding to a whole new level as your targets will just lay down their weapons! It will be available as soon as the effect can be targeted directionally and no longer inundates every ship within 1,000 miles with the PTR effect.

Class 0.5 Shield Technology

Quantum physicists on the secret (until now!) Project Half-Baked have been working on a new kind of shield tech that they call "Class 0.5" There are still some kinks to work out, but the hope of the researchers is to make a low power shield that simply rotates the virtual surface of the shielded ship 1/2 of a quantum spin so that it is completely impenetrable to beam weapons or photons of any kind! Rick Watterson of the Project says that, "Any day now, we'll figure out how to get one of these things working without vaporizing everything inside." If any ship captains want to help Project Half-Baked field-test this device, hold tight, because they'll be needing more subjects in just a few days and will be advertising soon.

Jimmy Bob's Super Hull eXtreme

James "Jimmy Bob" Hickey examining a scale prototype of one of his Super Hull eXtreme hulls

Jimmy Bob's of Triton says that expensive cloaking technology is, "for suckers." It is difficult and expensive to hide using electromagnetic means of bending light around your ship. To boot, it doesn't even work a large amount of the time. James Robert Hickey, proprietor of Jimmy Bob's, says that his hull design is a low cost alternative to cloaking technology. "You ain't gotta worry about getting raided if'n you look like worthless junk." These hulls should be available next week.

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2008-08-16T09:50:00.000-05:00

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Asteroid Rage Rates Climbing Among Deep Belt Pilots

2008-08-14T09:49:00.000-05:00

Lower Belt Starport - August 14

PSYCHOLOGISTS are continuing to study the deep space malady referred to as "intermittent explosive disorder." Temper outbursts that involve raiding, shooting and even crew abuse can sometimes be attributed to the disorder, though not everyone who does those things is afflicted. And new studies suggest it is far more common than you might realize. IED, which has been nicknamed "asteroid rage" or "'roid rage," may affect hundreds of pilots and captains each day.

"People think it's just bad behavior and that you just need an attitude adjustment, but what they don't know ... is that there's a biology and cognitive science to this," says Zane Michaels, chairman of psychiatry at the Saturn Station medical school.

By definition, intermittent explosive disorder involves multiple outbursts that are way out of proportion to the situation. These angry outbursts often include threats or aggressive actions and property damage.

The disorder's outbursts seem to come in 4 distinct stages: Normal spaceflight, boredom, building anger, and finally, the explosive outburst.

The findings show the little-studied disorder is much more common than previously thought. "It is news to a lot of people, even those who are specialists in mental health services, that such a large proportion of the population has these clinically significant anger attacks," Michaels said.

"We are now much more able to define the progression and impact of this disease," said Dr. David Rasputin, professor of spacelane studies. "The findings also confirm that for most people, the difficulties associated with the disorder begin during childhood or adolescence, and they often have a profound and ongoing impact on the person's life." There is currently no treatment or cure for 'Roid Rage, but with further study, it is hoped that treatment can be found.

Recent Upswing in Piracy Caused by Solar Storms

2008-08-13T09:46:00.001-05:00

ACIS-4 Solar Observation Station - August 13

LOST amid the questions surrounding the controversial actions of many ship captains yesterday lies an interesting scientific mystery: Just how do solar storms cause criminal and piratical behavior, anyway? The Weekly Solar News consulted with researchers at the ACIS-4 research station in Mercury's L4 point to find out. "Earth science had long correlated the link between pirates and global warming," says Dr. Antoine Koult, Director of ACIS-4.

(image courtesy http://www.venganza.org/ )

"However, the missing link wasn't sunspots or total solar activity. It was a particular type of solar storm very similar to the one that occurred yesterday." Dr. Koult briefed the WSN staff on the phonomenon that he is studying, which the ACIS team calls 'P-Energy' or 'Pirate Energy.' The following comes from his lecture. Here comes the science:

We have found that some rare types of solar activity create standing waves of unusually long-lived heavy leptons and supersymmetric neutrino pairs that string theorists call sneutrtinos. We call this toxic mix of particles P-Energy. As P-Energy from the sun during certain solar storms innundates the human brain, areas colloquially called the 'piracy centers' are activated. The following brain scans show this difference in activity in these areas.

When this occurs, even the most peaceful person will feel tempted to jump in a ship and get his (or her!) raid on. We have created a dramatization below, which shows what happens when these storms occur.

Exactly why this happens is something of a mystery. "More study is needed. And a great deal more rum and coolant!" declares Dr. Koult. The WSN will keep you updated as more is known about the link between solar output and piracy.

Pod Generators - What Are They Hiding?

2008-08-12T09:44:00.000-05:00

Upper Belt Station Deep 37 - August 12

WRECKAGE has been uncovered in the Upper Belt that has been positively identified as the remains of a Pod Generator Platform. Little remained besides twisted metal and smears of organic material. When sampled, Weekly Solar News scientists pronounced this material decidedly "not delicious." However, what appeared to be plant seeds were recovered during the analysis process. We returned to beetle enthusiast and genetics expert Dr. Rigil Kent for an expert's opinion. "Them seeds ain't nothin' like anythin' we ever seen," says Dr. Kent. "Not even NuPeanuts got DNA that weird. It's definitelty made from Earth plant DNA, but that junk ain't right. I done used my Mr. Extrapolator on it and I ain't seen the like!" Using Dr. Kent's extracted information and the WSN mainframe, we have obtained an exclusive picutre of what these seeds may grow into:

Dr. Kent comments, "If this is what they do to plants, I'd hate to see them make some sort of altered beast!" So would we, Dr. Kent.

In a press release the Jiffy Capricorn Corporation (stock symbol JFC) has denied any involvement with the Deep Belt Pod Generators. "Our delicious peanut butter pods and JC brand NuPeanuts have nothing to do with reports of attacks in the Belt," the release states. JFC stock has dropped 83% since the pods appeared and has affected the Fusion4U.com.ast Ltd. (a major JFC investor) bottom line as well.

Youngest Raiding Party Ever!

2008-08-11T09:43:00.000-05:00

Lyle's Day Care and Boot Camp, Uranus Starport - August 11

WAR. War never changes. But at Uranus Station, the crews fighting it are. Thanks to Lyle Honeycutt, owner of Lyle's Day Care and Boot Camp, you might just see a new crew literally toddling off with your cargo! Mr. Honeycutt has started training his charges to become a crack mercenary raiding crew. And some of them can barely walk! "Back when I was watchin' some of my sister's kids, I thought to myself, well shoot, these kids must be good for something," says Lyle. "First I tried gettin' 'em to cook, but they can't make a lunch worth squat. Then I tried sittin' 'em in front of a viewscreen to get 'em outta of the way. But all's they wanted to do was fight with each other. So I figure, what happens when you give 'em sidearms?" That was the 'Aha!' moment that launched a new business for Lyle. "Once I got em shootin' I realized that any three toddlers was as good as two men in a zero-gee raid. And they work for cookies!" Watch out, traders, or you may be seeing one of these raiders out your viewport before too long!

Lyle's Day Care and Boot Camp can be reached on channel 7873.9849/Uranus and he only charges $1/day to watch and train children from the ages of 1-6. "After that, they're old enough to join a crew," claims Lyle.

VicFrank Adopted by Aliens

2008-08-10T09:38:00.000-05:00

[This story was researched by freelance investigator Morvita]

VicFrank Adopted by Aliens
VicFrank's NuPets Inc. Headquarters, Mars

VICFRANK, the well-known CEO of VicFrank’s NuPets, has been a major public figure since his line of unique pets was introduced in 2190. What people don’t know is that VicFrank is the adopted son of space aliens! His family history has been kept hidden from the public since he entered the public eye. Now we know why. At the age of 7, VicFrank’s biological parents were killed in an accident on one of the early colony ships to leave Earth for the Asteroid Belt. Upon reaching his new home, VicFrank was discovered by kindly aliens living in the Belt and was raised by them. Below is a photo of VicFrank’s adoptive mother obtained by this reporter. If she looks familiar, there is a good reason - VicFrank's first generation of NuPets were the lobotomized offspring of his adopted parents! No wonder he never has family around during the holidays!

Raven Knight -- REVEALED

2008-08-09T09:42:00.000-05:00

Pluto Orbit - August 9

THE Solar System buzzes with talk about Raven Knight, the most feared captain in the Solar System. Many feel they know him, by reputation, by radio conversation, by rumor, and even by spying. But the real Raven Knight has been hidden from sight, protected by his loyal crew. He has even changed his name! It is said that this is to protect him from assassination, for notoriety and fame bring enemies. But, at great risk to himself, a trusted employee of the Weekly Solar News has infiltrated the crew of The Dread Steed.

We are pleased to bring you the first exclusive shocking picture of Mr. Knight:

Unbelievably, Raven Knight, captain of the Black Steed, possibly the most powerful pirate in the Solar System, is in actuality an adorable kitten!

Mystery Goo Actually Extraterestrial Miracle-gro!

2008-08-08T09:41:00.000-05:00

Triton Research Base - August 8

The Solar System's top scientists have been working with mysterious DNA recovered from recent weird encounters in the Deep Belt. Celebrated geneticist Rigil Kent has provided Weekly Solar News reporter Anaximander Jones with an exclusive glimpse of the results of his experiments. "I done made me one of them genome recoders back in, oh, '82 or abouts so's I could re-fabricate me some new types of beetles," Dr. Kent says. "I loves me some beetles. Especially the angry, hungry ones! Sometimes I makes them fight." When reminded about the new experiments, Kent continued, "Oh! Right. So I puts some of the goop we done found in the Mr. Analyzer machine and we seen some new gene fragments in there." He frowned, "Stupid thing claimed it was an encoded message. Spewed somethin' about 'Alpha Centauri A.' I chunked that piece of junk out the airlock. So we've been experimenting the old-fashioned way. Pushin' DNA into plants and creatures and seein' what happens." Dr. Kent showed us some video of his results. "You can see it didn't do nothin' good. Made nothin' but weak beetles. The seeds I recoded didn't grow. Wasn't nothin' that could make super-organisms. Worthless. So I flushed all that junk." When he came back the next day, Dr. Kent made an amazing discovery! (see picture below)

The plants have grown overnight, clogging his waste disposal system. Said Dr. Kent, "There they was, growin right out of there. I knew we had something, 'cause I ain't never seen no plants growing out of a toilet!" Dr. Kent plans to patent and publish his findings and is looking to start up a fertilizer company.

Pods Actually Filled with Delicious Peanut Butter

2008-08-07T09:36:00.000-05:00

Somewhere in the Belt - August 7

JOURNALISTS from the WSN network investigating the mysterious pods which have been sighted in the Belt have made an amazing discovery! These pods, which may seem sinister to some, are actually the Solar System's biggest publicity stunt. Yes, these pods (pictured below) are actually asteriod mock-ups filled with delicious peanut butter for the lucky spacefarers that run across them!

Rather than being afraid, those who see them should rejoice, because they have won the big prize: a lifetime supply of Jiffy Capricorn peanut butter! To advertise their newest service, the Jiffy Capricorn corporation (recently created from a merger of post-bankruptcy Max Capricorn Cruise Lines and Jiffy Amalgamated Foods and Weapons) commissioned their zero-gee manufactories to produce these fantastic space confections. They hope to promote their new full-service retro "baseball" fantasy ships, where they say customers can live like the "baseball players" of Earth once did. This includes full one-gee gravity, games of "baseball" and fancy Earth-style foods such as what they describe as "peanut butter and jelly sandwiches," whatever those may be. The result is that anyone who finds a peanut butter pod gets to keep it and go to Jiffy capricorn baseball camp! As the JC corp. representatives say, "It's peanut butter jelly time! With a baseball bat!"

"I Was Impregnated by a Regenabot!"

2008-08-06T09:31:00.000-05:00

Ceres Station, August 6th

MALFUNCTIONING Regenabots aren't limited to going rogue and wandering the Belt. Now, they're after our women too! Lucy Knox (pictured below) from the Ceres refugee base says that she was assaulted 7 months ago by a regenabot that had flipped its lid. And her skirt!

"I was just walking home from the coolant distillery when I saw a regenabot. It crossed in front of me and blocked my way," she says. "It said I didn't fit its 'biological template' and told me that I was going to be 'repaired.' Like I'm a ship! Then, it threw me down and then did what it wanted," she sobs. "I passed out, and when I woke up, it was gone. Then I started growing this beard, and now... well, look at me!"

Science correspondents at the WSN headquarters think that the crazy machine might have a corrupted memory unit. "Maybe it once scanned a pregnant woman," says Dr. Wesley Mugabe, PhD, "And then it sustained some type of damage and now thinks that this is the normal state for women." When asked about the beard, Dr. Mugabe says, "That's just freaky. Maybe the 'bot has a fetish!" Lady pirates, if you go anywhere near Ceres: Watch out!

Weekly Solar News - Issue 0

2008-08-01T09:27:00.001-05:00

[This was the prototypical WSN post and how it got started.]

Isotopes stolen by BatBoy!

August 1
ANONYMOUS sources inside the Martian government have confirmed that survivors from the Starcrash disaster included BatBoy, who has adapted better than humans to the space environment. In fact, he is so well adapted to space that he no longer needs oxygen or food to live! Now he consumes nothing but isotopes of common elements, but in such quantities that he is causing the system-wide shortage! Scientists are baffled by his unquenchable hunger.